It sure had been a while since I have been on here. I think it is maybe because I am not sure what to say or how I feel. After Wes died I never knew how much my life would change and continue to change. I feel like I get in a good groove and then things turn upside down again. My main problem lately is where I belong. I got very comfortable as my life as a wife and mom. We did the family thing, and it was what I always wanted. Now everything is different. Friendships have changed, but I think I've been the one changing mostly. Trying to figure out where you fit in the world is very difficult after you lose half your heart. I'm not the married Stella anymore, but I am not quite the same single gal I was before. I find myself trying to force that old part of me, but it doesn't work. I am not the girl I was before, and trying to find this new me is so hard. I am so lost without Wes sometimes. I do good during the day, when my boy is home, and when I'm with family and friends. Then there comes that time in the day when it is time to go home to an empty house. It's harder when my son is gone. I try to distract myself, but in the end I am only pushing everything aside.
My saving grace is my family and a few really good friends. There are 3 of them that keep me sane and my head above water. The best thing about these 3 is they always tell me the truth even when it is not what I want to hear. They tell me when to loosen up, have fun, and they call me out when my perspective gets skewed. Most people don't like to hear the truth, but the truth is what I respect so much from these 3. They laugh with me in the good times, and set me straight in the low ones. It is people like this that have been the glue that holds me together. I will always be grateful for the friendship these 3 people have given me. They have been by my side during the highs and lows of my life, and they have never once left.
They say your teenage years and early 20's is when you discover who you are, but what are you to do when life takes a drastic turn and everything gets turned upside down? How do you pick up the pieces and put back the puzzle when the pieces don't fit anymore? I was so happy with my life before, but I know that that life has been taken away. It is hard when you lose your way, and even harder when your faith is shaken. Before when I would feel that I was losing my way I would just trust that God would help me find my way. I am not sure what I believe anymore. I have a hard time believing that there is this divine plan for my life, and everything will turn out hunky dory. It is hard for me to believe that this person I was taught to believe in would allow such tragedy and heartache. It is a touchy subject I know, but I am just being honest.
So here I am, picking up the pieces to a puzzle that doesn't fit anymore. I am trying to figure out where I fit in, and who I am. I am trying not to be a disappointment to my friends, family, my son, or myself. I am trying to figure our what I believe in. There is a lot of stuff going on in this head of mine.
All mixed up,
Stella
Looking for a little serenity...
