So this is my 3rd Christmas without Wes. Time is flying. I am full of mixed emotions. I'm pretty much exhausted at this point. I have one week left of graduate school classes. I am relieved. I intern in the spring and then will graduate with my masters in counseling. It has been very difficult juggling a full time job, single parenthood, graduate school, maintaining relationships with friends and family, and taking care of a house. Somehow I have made it through, I am close to the end, and I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Now, I have had my moments, but I have some amazing people who have let me vent, cry, or just be there. When I feel like a failure, whether it is at a teacher, mother, or friend, they are there to remind me how full my plate is, and my reactions are normal.
I have been doing better at dealing with the loss of Wes. Yes, it still hurts, but I am getting strong enough to deal with it. I find myself now being able to talk to others about loss. I have a very different outlook on it now. I have learned to quit asking "why". There isn't a reason for so much sadness. Letting this question that has haunted me for over 2 years go has made me happier. I have finally quit questioning it, and accepted it. I know he is not coming back, and I know I have to move on. I have to keep moving forward not only for my benefit, but for Trent's. He has to see that when something bad happens you don't give up or give in. I have to show him that when bad things happen you deal with it the best you can and keep moving forward. It is important to teach our children these lessons. They have to know that in the face of tragedy and heartache you keep moving forward. Too many people on this Earth give up when they face the simplest of problems. We have to teach them how to deal with life. This has made me want to thrive in life so Trent can look back and see that anything is possible as long as you don't give up.
Christmas is in a week and this will be the very first year since I have known Trent that he won't be with me on Christmas. I've had a lot of anxiety about this and it really has affected my Christmas spirit. Usually by now I would have all the shopping done and everything wrapped. Well, nothing is wrapped and I still have about half of my shopping left to do. I know the presents are not what Christmas is about, but I am just not my usual Christmas-loving self this year. I know it is because I will wake up alone for the first time on Christmas morning. I am not looking forward to it. I have still been putting on my happy smile so Trent doesn't know, but being without him on Christmas is killing me. It is so lonely without him. Hopefully that part will start to get easier. I look forward to the day when I can be alone without feeling lonely.
Some good news...I have successfully gone to church without getting fighting mad. Every time before this I would get so mad during the sermon, and there were several times I just left during the middle of it. I have only gone to this church a few times, but I look forward to going each time. I feel as though I am being taught and not "preached at". It feels good to not be so angry anymore and to enjoy church again. It feels good to learn again, and to be happy in a place of worship.
The song above was Wes' favorite Christmas song, and it was the first song we ever danced to. I can still hear him singing it (even though his voice was horrible).
Christmas is a time to reflect and love on our friends and family. I hope you all spend as much time with your loved ones this holiday season.
Merry Christmas,
Stella
