I'll be here when it all gets weird- Flogging Molly's

"If I Ever Leave This World Alive"

If I ever leave this world alive
I'll thank for all the things you did in my life
If I ever leave this world alive
I'll come back down and sit beside your
feet tonight
Wherever I am you'll always be
More than just a memory
If I ever leave this world alive

If I ever leave this world alive
I'll take on all the sadness
That I left behind
If I ever leave this world alive
The madness that you feel will soon subside
So in a word don't shed a tear
I'll be here when it all gets weird
If I ever leave this world alive

So when in doubt just call my name
Just before you go insane
If I ever leave this world
Hey I may never leave this world
But if I ever leave this world alive

She says I'm okay; I'm alright,
Though you have gone from my life
You said that it would,
Now everything should be all right

She says I'm okay; I'm alright,
Though you have gone from my life
You said that it would,
Now everything should be all right
Yeah should be alright 

There has been a lot on my mind lately. I'm in a place of limbo, and I can feel change on the horizon. We are just a few weeks away from the 3 year anniversary of when Wes left this world. One thing I know is that it never gets easier when a loved one leaves, it just gets different. The way you lived before is no longer, and you learn to live in a new way. It's hard, and it never gets easier. It does get manageable though. Life is continuously changing and there is no stopping the inevitable. The world does not stop for our sorrow or sadness, but it seems to speed up in our moments of happiness and joy. I will never understand the cunning ways of the world. 

Part of this limbo in life I am feeling has to do with moving on without feeling guilty. This may be hard for some to understand unless you have lost someone very close. In the beginning, when I finally started to feel moments of happiness again, I would feel guilty that I was feeling happy without him. Now, I find myself moving on into a new stage of life and I can't bring him with me. For the first time tonight I let myself watch the movie "We Bought a Zoo." I immediately dismissed this movie when I first heard it was about a widower. Tonight I gave it a chance, and what Matt Damon (the widower) said hit me like a freight train. He said, "it would be so much easier to move on if I could talk to her about it." It's the final discussion that all widows/widowers need to have that we will never get the chance to. As a couple you discuss everything, and make decisions together. Now, you are getting to make a new life without that person, and all you want is their blessing. I guess you just have to know in your heart that they would want you happy.

A few weeks ago I watched "PS I Love You." Talk about a cry/snot fest. I boo hoo-ed like a baby, but could not change the channel. It was self-inflicted torture. I found myself jealous of Hillary Swank (the widow). Her deceased husband left her letters to guide her through the grief, and ultimately find her way to a new life without him. I would have given anything to have a letter for Wes to guide me and reassure me. I wanted to change the channel so bad, but just couldn't find the strength. At the VERY END of the movie when the credits begin to roll was the reason I could not change the channel. There was a song I was meant to hear. As I listened to the lyrics of "If I Ever Leave This World Alive" by Flogging Molly's, I cried and laughed at the same time. It was almost as if Wes was talking to me when they sang, "so in a word don't shed a tear, I'll be here when it all gets weird," and, "so when in doubt just call my name just before you go insane." I could almost hear his scruffy voice singing. I guess that was my letter from Wes. He was telling me to be happy, and that he would always be here. Most of all, I felt his blessing. I am going to leave you today with the last lyric of the song, which I sing at the top of my lungs. It gives me peace. 

"She says I'm okay; I'm alright,
Though you have gone from my life
You said that it would,
Now everything should be all right"

Finding my way,

Stella

My peaceful place...the lake.

Little girl you're in the middle of the ride- Jimmy Eat World

I absolutely love this song. I think this one is actually my anthem. It brings me back to the days of being a Young Life leader and working with students. I guess I should have known from there that counseling was my passion.

I have always questioned the path I am on. Is it right, did I make a mistake, did I make a right when I should have taken a left? Who really ever knows. It is not like the skies part and a huge man looks through the sky and yells with a bellowing voice, "Stella, you made it, you chose the correct path." It would be nice for a map, some coordinates to plug into a GPS, or a message in a bottle. Nope, unfortunately we have to make a lot of mistakes to get to where we fit in life. We take wrong turns, end up on dead ends, and have some blow outs along the way. The trick is to keep going, and if something doesn't fit then change it.

Well, I have done a lot of thinking the past few years about where life has brought me and what I am suppose to do now. I feel like there is more for me, I am suppose to do something bigger. I want to make an impact. So I decided to follow my dream of getting my masters and becoming a school counselor. Well, guess what...I have 1.5 weeks left of graduate school and on May 17 my big rear is dancing across that stage. I made it, I did it, and I couldn't be prouder of myself. There were no fireworks that went off, no marching band that started cheering my name, and not even the message in the bottle I have been looking for, but there was something. There was a moment of clarity. A moment when everything made sense. A moment when I realized I have found my way. During my last presentation with my professor she asked me, "What have you learned from this course?" I couldn't even get the words out without the tears falling. I told her that for once in my life everything made sense. All the puzzle pieces fit. My purpose in life is to not only be Trent's stepmother, but to be a school counselor. Don't get me wrong, I love teaching, but I finally understand how strong my passion is to connect with these students and help them learn more than just the periodic table. I want to help them find themselves, to learn how to be comfortable in their own skin, to be an encouragement, and to help them through the rough spots. I have found my niche. And I am telling you it feels good. It took me 31 years, and a lot of heart ache to find it, but I found it!

I am not sure what the future holds, but I do know something. Someday, somewhere I will get to make an impact on the lives of students. I cannot wait for my adventure to start.

Letting the pieces come together,
Stella

From science nerd to counselor...here I go!!

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow- Passenger

"Let Her Go"

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much
And you dived too deep

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)
And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)
Will you let her go?

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go 

I have been thinking a lot about goodbyes lately. There are so many times in our life when we say goodbye. Goodbye is not always said to a person, sometimes we say it to things, phases of life, and even ourselves. We say goodbye to middle school, high school, and college. We say goodbye to our childhood friends as we start new adventures. We try our best to stay in touch, but most of the time it is goodbye. We say goodbye to our single selves when we say "I do" to another. We say goodbye to houses, neighborhoods, and towns. We say goodbye to carefree life when we say hello to raising children. Each goodbye is followed by a new hello if we allow it. Goodbyes are not always easy. Sometimes we say goodbye against our will. Sometimes we have to say goodbye, but try our hardest not to. Sometimes goodbye means for now, and sometimes it can be temporary. My favorite author, Paulo Coelho, said, "If we are brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello." Goodbyes are hard and can be sad, but they are inevitable. It is a part of life we must accept. No goodbye is easy, but each hello is a new adventure.

Sometimes we say goodbye, because we think it is the end and something better is around the corner. Then later we realize that that goodbye may have not been necessary, and the grass was greener where we started. Everyone knows the saying, "You don't know what you've got until it is gone." Well, whoever first said that must have lost something very special, and they didn't realize it until it was too late. This may not always be a person, sometime it is a job, a home, a town. Too often in life we are hasty to say goodbye. We think goodbye is the only choice we have. We are too blind to see the other options. Be careful to think your goodbye through before you say it. Once you realize that the goodbye was not meant to be said, it may be too late to change it.

Goodbyes are a part of life. They are hard to say and need to be thought through before they are said. I have said goodbye many times in my life. Not all were easy, but everyone had a hello waiting. 

Waiting on my next hello,

Stella

We are stitched together- Blake Shelton

"God Gave Me You"

I've been a walking heartache
I've made a mess of me
The person that I've been lately
Ain't who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me
And watch as the storm blows through
And I need you

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you
Gave me you

There's more here than what we're seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You'll always be love's great martyr
And I'll be the flattered fool
And I need you
Yeah!

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you

On my own I'm only
Half of what I could be
I can't do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you, gave me you
He gave me you 

A few days after Wes left Trent and I heard this song for the first time on the radio. Both of our eyes filled with tears. Trent looked at me and said, "this is our song, God gave us each other." I swear that boy knows how to melt my heart. 

This post is about being a stepparent. I have learned so much from being a stepmom, and I have gained so much respect for all the "non-blood" parents out there. It is not an easy job by any means. Growing up I had a stepmother and stepfather. At times I may have resented them, not because I didn't like them, but because I was still upset about my parents divorce. Little did I know that the two people added to my family were so special and amazing. I gave them a run for their money. I was the oldest of my 3 siblings, and I was the angry teenager. I wasn't always the best stepdaughter. Now as an adult, and a stepparent myself I know how hard the job can be. I now understand just how amazing they are. The both taught me how to be a good stepparent. Now, as an adult, I do not just consider them my stepparents, I consider them my parents and my friends. My stepmother is a strong woman who takes very good care of my family. She loves us unconditionally, and I consider her a saint for putting up with my dad's and mine sense of humor. My stepfather is as cool as a cucumber. He is the strong silent type. He never pushes or demands, and I always know that no matter what he will always be there for me and Trent. I may have not realized it as a child, but I now understand how great these 2 people are. They are heaven sent. It takes a special person to raise and love a child like their own. 

I guess I appreciate them more now that I am a stepparent myself. It is unbelievable the love you can feel for a child that you are not blood related to. I love my kid like he is my own. I feel the love of a mother. Yes, I missed out on his early years, but I have been with him for over half his life now. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for my son. He is the best part of me. He may call me "Stella" and not "mom", but that doesn't matter to me. I know that we share a bond that can never be broken. He is my reason for pushing on after Wes left. As Blake Shelton says, "God gave me you for the ups and downs, God gave me you for the days of doubt." Whenever I start to feel lost, and I begin to question this path I am on, I stop to remember, it's for Trent. I wish I could describe the love I have for him, but that would be an impossible task. I could try to explain, but I would type for days. I guess I could say it's the love of a parent, but it is so much more than that. After everything we have been through, the battles we have fought, and the mountains we have climbed, Trent is what keeps me from losing all faith. My faith has been shaken, but has never gone away completely, because I have him. 

If you have a stepparent let them know how much they mean to you. They may not know it, and you may not even realize it. Stepparents are people who CHOOSE to be your parent. They CHOOSE you. It is a great feeling once you realize how special it is to be chosen. 

I just wanted to say thank you to my stepparents. Lynette and Bill, thank you so much for CHOOSING to be my parents. Thank you for never giving up on me no matter how hard I fought. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. 

Stella

My role models...

I'm glad I didn't know- Garth Brooks

"The Dance"

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance 

I often think about how my life would have turned out if things would have been different. What would have happened if I knew I would lose Wes? Would I choose not to be with him to save myself the pain? The answer is always no. I wouldn't change a thing. I would have missed out on so much just to protect myself. The future is scary, mostly because I am not sure what it will hold. I have found myself being very careful at what I allow in my life. I have already lost so much and I am afraid to lose again. Is this anyway for me to live? If I lived like this all along I would have missed out on so much. I would have missed out on love, extended family, and being a mother. So it there really any reason for me to live my life so carefully to avoid pain? No. If I live life this way I will never experience the joys of life again. It is scary, but life means so much more. 

It is hard sometimes to keep on living. To keep moving forward. Sometimes I get so tired, I feel like I am taking care of everyone, but I no longer have someone to help me or take care of me. Yes, I have parents and friends who are here for me, but it is different having a partner in life. I miss having a teammate, someone I can lean on. It's just me now. I am the mom and the dad, the man and the woman of the house. My mind is always on what I need to accomplish and what needs to be taken care of. Too often I leave myself off of that list. I forget about me. It is not until I get run down, and at the end of my rope that I remember I need to take care of me too, but then something always comes up. Someone needs something of me, wants my time, or needs my help. The problem is I don't mind putting others before myself. It's my nature. I have always been this way and I don't really see myself changing. When someone needs help, they don't even have to ask, I just do it. You would think it would be easy for me to reach out for help, nope. I am as stubborn as they come. And truthfully, I can really take care of myself, my house, and my responsibilities. It's just nice having someone there. I miss that. I miss having a companion. 

It has been 29 months since Wes left. I know it is time I pick up my pieces and move forward. I still feel so torn. I know he would want me to be happy, but moving on means letting go. Letting go is scary. I recently started reading a book about a widow in her 30's learning how to move on. I really related to her in the first few chapters. The book took a strange turn after that, but in the beginning she was struggling with being scared to let herself feel again, she was scared of being hurt. One part of the book that really spoke to me was, "You can't stop taking risks just because you lost someone already. It's no way to live, in fear of living in case of pain" (Banks, 2014).

So, am I going to miss out on the pain, or am I going to learn to dance again? Stay Tuned!

Stella

            My reason to dance again!

Oh what a Christmas to have the blues- Charles Brown

So this is my 3rd Christmas without Wes. Time is flying. I am full of mixed emotions. I'm pretty much exhausted at this point. I have one week left of graduate school classes. I am relieved. I intern in the spring and then will graduate with my masters in counseling. It has been very difficult juggling a full time job, single parenthood, graduate school, maintaining relationships with friends and family, and taking care of a house. Somehow I have made it through, I am close to the end, and I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Now, I have had my moments, but I have some amazing people who have let me vent, cry, or just be there. When I feel like a failure, whether it is at a teacher, mother, or friend, they are there to remind me how full my plate is, and my reactions are normal.

I have been doing better at dealing with the loss of Wes. Yes, it still hurts, but I am getting strong enough to deal with it. I find myself now being able to talk to others about loss. I have a very different outlook on it now. I have learned to quit asking "why". There isn't a reason for so much sadness. Letting this question that has haunted me for over 2 years go has made me happier. I have finally quit questioning it, and accepted it. I know he is not coming back, and I know I have to move on. I have to keep moving forward not only for my benefit, but for Trent's. He has to see that when something bad happens you don't give up or give in. I have to show him that when bad things happen you deal with it the best you can and keep moving forward. It is important to teach our children these lessons. They have to know that in the face of tragedy and heartache you keep moving forward. Too many people on this Earth give up when they face the simplest of problems. We have to teach them how to deal with life. This has made me want to thrive in life so Trent can look back and see that anything is possible as long as you don't give up.

Christmas is in a week and this will be the very first year since I have known Trent that he won't be with me on Christmas. I've had a lot of anxiety about this and it really has affected my Christmas spirit. Usually by now I would have all the shopping done and everything wrapped. Well, nothing is wrapped and I still have about half of my shopping left to do. I know the presents are not what Christmas is about, but I am just not my usual Christmas-loving self this year. I know it is because I will wake up alone for the first time on Christmas morning. I am not looking forward to it. I have still been putting on my happy smile so Trent doesn't know, but being without him on Christmas is killing me. It is so lonely without him. Hopefully that part will start to get easier. I look forward to the day when I can be alone without feeling lonely.

Some good news...I have successfully gone to church without getting fighting mad. Every time before this I would get so mad during the sermon, and there were several times I just left during the middle of it. I have only gone to this church a few times, but I look forward to going each time. I feel as though I am being taught and not "preached at". It feels good to not be so angry anymore and to enjoy church again. It feels good to learn again, and to be happy in a place of worship.

The song above was Wes' favorite Christmas song, and it was the first song we ever danced to. I can still hear him singing it (even though his voice was horrible).

Christmas is a time to reflect and love on our friends and family. I hope you all spend as much time with your loved ones this holiday season.

Merry Christmas,
Stella

Sometimes the greater plan is kinda hard to understand- Luke Bryan

"Drink A Beer"

When I got the news today
I didn't know what to say.
So I just hung up the phone.
I took a walk to clear my head,
this is where the walking lead
Can't believe you're really gone
Don't feel like going home

So I'm gonna sit right here
On the edge of this pier
Watch the sunset disappear
And drink a beer

Funny how the good ones go
Too soon, but the good lord knows
The reasons why it gets
Sometimes the greater plan is kinda hard to understand
Right now it don't make sense
I can't make it all make sense

So I'm gonna sit right here
on the edge of this pier
Watch the sunset disappear
And drink a beer

So long my friend, until we meet again
I'll remember you
And all the times we used to
Sit right here on the edge of this pier
Watch the sunset disappear
And drink a beer
Drink a beer, drink a beer. 

Life is so busy, but I'm finally living again. It's now been 2 years since Wes left this place. Two years seems like such a long time, but the memories of our life together and of his final day are still so vivid. I haven't blogged in a while, because I get so emotional when I blog. From the time my fingers hit the computer keys tears start to roll from my eyes. I think I'll always have tears for him. I don't think they will ever go away. It's okay though, because as long as I have tears I will have a piece of him. That means he is still in my heart. My life will move on, but I would like a piece of him to stay. 

Life really has gotten better. I felt stuck for a while. I felt like I was always going to be the sad widow. I don't want that label on my life though. I don't want to be looked at as the widow or even a survivor. I just want to be Stella. I want to be the girl that is clumsy, and the girl that snorts when she laughs. I am finally experiencing true laughter without guilt. I felt guilty for a long time. I felt that I couldn't have fun, because Wes wasn't here. I know now that that was silly of me to think. When I think of Wes I don't want to be sad. I want to smile and laugh about the good times. There have been a few times recently that I felt completely at peace. One was a few weeks ago at the lake. I was laying on the back of a friends boat at night just staring at the sky, and all of the sudden I saw several shooting stars in a row. I knew it was Wes telling me it was okay to start living again. It may seem silly to others, but I felt so much peace in that moment. 

So I have reached a point to where I am okay with my life, where it is going, and how far I have come. I'm ready to live and see what else this crazy world has in store for me. I mean, surely it can only get better, right?

The best is yet to come,

Stella

I just had to put this. I know Wes would be so jealous we met Jax from Sons of Anarchy!!!