My little bear is growing up- Rodney Atkins

Drivin’ through town just my boy and me
With a Happy Meal in his booster seat
Knowin’ that he couldn’t have the toy ‘til his nuggets were gone.
A green traffic light turned straight to red
I hit my brakes and mumbled under my breath.
His fries went a flyin’, and his orange drink covered his lap
Well, then my four year old said a four letter word
It started with “S” and I was concerned
So I said, “Son, now where’d you learn to talk like that?”

Chorus:
He said, "I’ve been watching you, dad ain’t that cool?
I’m your buckaroo, I wanna be like you.
And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are.
We got cowboy boots and camo pants
Yeah, we’re just alike, hey, ain’t we dad?
I want to do everything you do.
So I’ve been watching you."

We got back home and I went to the barn
I bowed my head and I prayed real hard
Said, “Lord, please help me help my stupid self.”
Just this side of bedtime later that night
Turnin’ on my son’s Scooby-Doo nightlight.
He crawled out of bed and he got down on his knees.
He closed his little eyes, folded his little hands
Spoke to God like he was talkin’ to a friend.
And I said, “Son, now where’d you learn to pray like that?”

Chorus:
He said, "I’ve been watching you, dad ain’t that cool?
I’m your buckaroo, I want to be like you.
And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are.
We like fixin’ things and holding momma’s hand
Yeah, we’re just alike, hey, ain’t we dad?
I want to do everything you do; so I’ve been watching you"

With tears in my eyes I wrapped him in a hug.
Said, “My little bear is growin’ up.”
And he said, “But when I’m big I’ll still know what to do.”

"‘Cause I’ve been watching you, dad ain’t that cool?
I’m your buckaroo, I want to be like you.
And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are.
By then I’ll be strong as superman
We’ll be just alike, hey, won’t we dad
When I can do everything you do.
‘cause I’ve been watchin’ you."
hey yeah
uh huh

After Wes died Trent asked me to download this song for him. For months he walked around the house with his ear buds in listening to the song over and over. I knew it made him feel close to his dad. I would stand in the hall outside his bedroom and listen to him sing it. I love to hear him sing when he thinks no one is listening. He tries to sing very low with a thick southern twang. He sounds so much older when he sings that way. He still sings this song in the shower almost every night. He is growing up into such a gentleman. He always compares things he does to the way his daddy did them. I am not sure if it is his way of feeling close, or his way of remembering. Maybe it's both. I know I am afraid of forgetting things about Wes, and I can't even imagine at such a young age how I would feel. That is why I like talking about Wes. Trent does too. It is our way of keeping his memory alive and not forgetting things. When you stop talking about someone its like they disappear. I don't want Wes to disappear. I want some more time with him. Some time to make my memory stronger, some time to remind my boy how much his daddy loved him, and some time to heal. Not talking about him is like ripping a band-aid off a fresh wound. Sometimes the memories hurt, sometimes they bring tears, but then other times they bring smile and laughter. Whatever the outcome, I treasure every memory.

I'm hoping I can turn this blog into a kind of scrapbook of our memories and journey. I was lucky to be part of Wes' life. I did however, miss out on many years and memories. Feel free to comment on any of my post if you have memories or stories of Wes. I would love to have a place for Trent to go back to and read about his daddy. So when he feels like he is forgetting he can go to a place to remember.

Cherishing the memories,
Stella

My favorite guys

My Valentine- Martina McBride

Today is Valentines. I try to look at it as just another day. Trent surprised me with a gift this morning. He gave me a charm for my bracelet called "everlasting love." He told me it was because we would always love daddy and he would always love us. I'm telling you, words can not describe how much I love this little boy. He is the most sincere and thoughtful person I have ever known. I will miss Wes for the rest of my life, but I will be grateful for all eternity that he brought Trent into my life.

Proud mom,
Stella

Just give it time- Joey + Rory

 

When I'm Gone by Joey + Rory
A bright sunrise will contradict the heavy fog that weighs you down
In spite of all the funeral songs, the birds will make their joyful sounds

You'll wonder why the Earth still moves.
You'll wonder how you'll carry on.

But you'll be okay on that first day when I'm gone

Dusk will come with fireflies and Whippoorwill and crickets call.
And every star will take its place in silvery gown and purple shawl

You'll lie down in our big bed
Dread the dark and dread the dawn.

But you'll be alright on that first night when I'm gone.

You will reach for me in vain, you'll be whispering my name
As if sorrow were your friend and this world so alien

But life will call with daffodils and morning glorious blue skies.
You'll think of me - some memory, and softly smile to your surprise.

And even though you love me still, you will know where you belong.

Just give it time
We'll both be fine when I'm gone.

A friend sent this to me today. This person is one of my best friends. She knew me before Wes, stood by me on the day I said "I do", and she was the one who helped try to save his life on that day in September. As you get older you notice that you may not get to spend as much time with people as you want, but those really important people, the one's in it in the long run, are the people who you can go months without seeing and pick up like not a day has gone by. These people are there for you through thick and thin. I am blessed to have several people like this in my life. These people know me well. They know when to hold your hand and when to give you space. They know when to let you cry and when to dry your tears. Without these people I am not quite sure how I would have made it through the past 16 months. Thank you to my friend who sent me this song today. I love you bigger than the sky.

This song really hit home with me. Not only does this lady have a beautiful voice, but it's another one of those songs that I feel was written just for me. I felt as though the words were taken straight from my heart. I know it's been over 16 months, but I feel like it's the first day. Every day there is the same sting of pain, everyday I think of him constantly, everyday I wish it were a dream, and everyday I watch my boy grow up into the young man his daddy dreamed he would be. Everyday I wish he could be here and see Trent evolve. Everyday I wonder how the world continues to move when I feel like I'm standing still. Everyday I go to bed and dread being alone. My bed has been made for 16 months. I can't take the pillows that drove Wes crazy off the bed. I can't pull back those covers and lay down. I don't know if has just become habit, or if it just feels so empty still. I sleep on the end of my bed or sometimes in his chair. It just still feels so new. 

Trent is going to be in middle school shortly, and I am halfway through graduate school. We are continuing to live. I just wish he was here to live with us. I catch myself everyday wanting to email or text him. Wanting to share something funny with him. Then there are those days when before, he would come home, hold me in his arms, and tell me everything would be alright. Now I come home and he's not there to comfort me. I still have this huge hole in my chest. It aches so badly. I hope one day the pain will cease, but I know I will never stop loving him or missing him. The past few weeks have been pretty difficult. I'm not really sure what it is, maybe the loneliness is getting to me, maybe I'm just spreading myself thin. Who knows. I just know that as everyday passes, it still feels like the first. 

 Always loving him,

Stella