I even miss our silly fights- Darrlyn Worley

I miss the look of surrender in your eyes
The way your soft brown hair would fall
I miss the power of your kiss when we made love
Oh But baby most of all

[Chorus]
I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss the colors that you brought into my life
Your golden smile, those blue-green eyes
I miss your gentle voice in lonely times like now
Saying it'll be alright

[Chorus]

I miss those times
I miss those nights
I even miss our silly fights
The making up
The morning talks
And those late afternoon walks
I miss my friend

This week has been hard. Sometimes I wish I could let people in my head to see how I am really feeling. It can be so hard to explain things sometimes. Adjusting to a new life is not easy. I am responsible for everything now. All the bills, the housework, the yard work,  parenting, school, work, maintaining relationships with family and friends. I feel like I have been slacking in my friendships and family relationships lately. I miss them. I miss visiting and laughing. Maybe I should have waited to start the master's program. I have been living life in such a rush, I guess I am afraid of running out of time. I wish I could could just stop and be still. Finding balance is so hard. I miss having a partner to help me. I miss having that someone at home that when I am feeling weak, he steps in and picks up my slack. There is no one there to pick up my slack anymore. It's all on me. I feel as though I am moving at ninety to nothing on an empty tank of gas. I am pulled in so many different directions I feel like that stretchy man I played with as a kid. All I can do is make it to my sanctuary...my home. I have always had a house to live in, but this is my home. It's a place where Trent and I can escape. I love my little white house.

ZZZZZZZOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!

Stella

 My Haven

Never knowing what could have been- Aaron Lewis

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do

This is a Rascal Flatts song, but Aaron Lewis just gets to me when he sings it. This song is about regret, wishing, love and hurt. I regret the things I may have not told Wes. How much I love him, how happy he made me, how great of a father he was, and the list could go on and on. I'm pretty sure he knows all these things, but I still wish I could tell him. I regret that night before that when he told me he couldn't breathe we went home. We had just had platter service at Sartin's and we thought he just over ate. I told him, "of course you can't breathe, you just ate the entire Gulf, unbutton your pants." If only I would have known, we could have gone to the hospital and he still could be here. I have shared that with a few people, and each one tells me not to think like that. I can't help it though. Things could have been done to prevent his death. I felt so helpless that morning watching him struggle to breathe. I remember when the EMT started CPR in the driveway, falling to my knees and screaming for God to help him. Maybe that is why I am having such a hard time with my faith. I screamed and begged for him to breathe, for him to live, and he was still taken from us. It's not fair, and I know that no one ever said life was fair, but why did it have to happen to us? I loved Wes so much it hurt, and I waited patiently for so long to find him. He was my other half, and with him in my life everything felt complete. He had been through so much in his life and never gave up, he deserved to live and enjoy his life. Trent deserved to have his daddy around. I know every parent is biased, but I really do have an amazing kid. He is so sweet, genuine, kind hearted, and thoughtful. He did not deserve to loose his daddy. My family loved Wes so much, and sometimes I felt they liked him more than me. They deserved more time to get to know him. Wes' family is so amazing. Such a tight knit group of people. They had been through the hard times with Wes and deserved some happy, peaceful time with him. All the trials and tribulations he lived through, and still his life was cut short. I still question everyday why this happened. I know I will never find an answer that satisfies me, nothing will ever replace Wes.

I often wonder what our lives would be like now if Wes was still here. We would probably still be in Sour Lake. I would probably have a baby or at least be pregnant. We would have probably gotten in a hundred arguments, but heard more "I'm sorry, I love you's". Trent would still have his daddy. Things would probably be a lot different. It's that not knowing that gets to me, the dream of what our family could have been. This was not suppose to happen to us, so what do we do now? I get up every morning, no matter how hard it is. I go to work, try and be a good mom, try and maintain good relationships with family and friends, but I feel like I've been programmed. I try and go on and live, but there is always a part of me hurting, a part of me missing him, a part of me missing. I want to feel whole again. I know it will take time, but I will always be different. My current class I am taking for my masters is Human Growth and Development. The chapters we covered this week was about loss. (I should make some pretty good grades this week.) An interesting thing I read in my text was that when losing a spouse it takes 5 years to get back a little normalcy and happiness, but the level of happiness never reaches what is what before. The graph they showed went up to only half the amount of happiness after widowhood. I really hope that that information is wrong, but I can understand how someone would come up with that info. Loss changes you. It brands you, it leaves its mark. All you can do is to try not to let it define you. If my name were to be defined I would not want my definition to be widow. This is how I want my definition to look.

Stella: (noun) one who flourishes under fire.
  synonyms: mother, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, teacher

Defining my life,
Stella

Taken 9/26/2011...2 days before he left.

Sometimes a song can touch a nerve- John Michael Montgomery

It's weird how the random things can sneak up on you. Sometimes these things cause tears, but sometimes they cause laughter. Sometimes I hear a song and can't change it quickly enough, and then there are those times when Trent says something and it sounds like Wes. This boy is growing up to be just like all the best parts of his daddy. Wes was a prankster and LOVED to scare the mess right out of me. He also loved to stay on my last nerve...it was a place that gave him the greatest joy. I am one of "those" people who like my bed straight and my pillows fluffed when I lay down. I would actually make the bed before I got in it. Wes could care less. As long as he had a place to lay and 2 pillows he was content. Every night was the same routine. He always beat me to bed, I would straighten my side, fluff my pillows, and when I was just about to put my head on my pillow he would punch it right in the center. He LOVED it, and did it every night. Speaking of pillows, he use to have this rubber snake he found in a chicken coop of our first house together. One night I went to fluff and there was that snake, right smack dab in the center of my 2 pillows. Good grief!!! That snake got me several times. One time I went to take a shower, and pulled back the shower curtain and there was that stupid snake again. Staring at me from the drain. You would think I would get use to that rubber snake, but it got me every time. When we moved into our last house we had a pool. That snake was always being found in the pool or hot tub. I finally got use to seeing it in the pool so the last time I thought I saw it was no big deal. Well guess what...it was REAL!!!! Wes laughed until he cried.

He loved to scare me too. He was always bribing me to watch scary movies with him with a date night. Guess what...I never got the date nights. He begged me for months to watch Paranormal Activity with him. I finally gave in. We rented it one night and watched it at home. I was curled up on the couch and had my blanket up to my eyes. I cried the entire movie, and then slept with a lamp on for 2 weeks. Before this movie I always slept with one leg out of the covers to keep me cool. Not now. I sweat when I sleep now because I am afraid a goblin will pull me off the bed. I am a wimp, I know. The best he ever got me was when he made me watch Mirrors with him. It is a movie that when you look in a mirror something shows up with you and kills you. FREAKY!!! Well after the movie I was proud of myself because I didn't cry. I decided I was going to take a shower and head to bed. Wes told me he had to use the restroom first. When he was done I took a nice, hot shower. When I got out of the shower I looked at the steamy mirror and it had written on it "I can see you!" I screamed and ran, almost leaving a hole in the shape of me on the door. I am a very modest person, but I was running through the house soaking wet and without a towel. All the lights in the house were off. I ran to Wes' chair and hid underneath his blanket. I'm sitting there crying and hollering Wes' name when I hear chuckles coming from our kitchen in the back of the house. Apparently when he used the restroom before my shower he also had put deodorant on his finger and wrote the message on the mirror. This was his favorite story to tell. I'll admit, it's funny now, but it wasn't then.

My jokester. I sure do miss him. I miss his laugh. I miss his voice even when he is making fun of me. I miss him punching my pillows. I even miss his snore. Weird thing...Trent started snoring like his daddy last week. I thought I was being robbed. It literally sounded like someone was dragging furniture across the floor. He is also becoming a jokester like his daddy. God bless Trent. He keeps his daddy's memory alive in our house.

Screams and giggles,
Stella

Lord have mercy on my next 30 years- Tim McGraw

"My Next Thirty Years"

I think I’ll take a moment, celebrate my age
The ending of an era and the turning of a page
Now it’s time to focus in on where I go from here
Lord have mercy on my next thirty years

Hey my next thirty years I’m gonna have some fun
Try to forget about all the crazy things I’ve done
Maybe now I’ve conquered all my adolescent fears
And I’ll do it better in my next thirty years

My next thirty years I’m gonna settle all the scores
Cry a little less, laugh a little more
Find a world of happiness without the hate and fear
Figure out just what I’m doing here
In my next thirty years

Oh my next thirty years, I’m gonna watch my weight
Eat a few more salads and not stay up so late
Drink a little lemonade and not so many beers
Maybe I’ll remember my next thirty years

My next thirty years will be the best years of my life
Raise a little family and hang out with my wife
Spend precious moments with the ones that I hold dear
Make up for lost time here, in my next thirty years
In my next thirty years 

Today I enter a new decade. Thirty...good grief. My life is not exactly where I thought it would be, but I am trying to focus on my accomplishments. I feel that I have led a pretty good life so far. I have gone through sadness and tragedy, but I have also had some pretty amazing things happen. I graduated college, started my career, started graduate school, married the love of my life and started our family. I have made life long friendships, bought my first home, and I have flourished under fire. I have learned to live for the moment, and never put anything off. I have learned how to stand up for myself, and learned its okay to be honest even if it hurts sometimes. I have learned the value of life. I was thinking about my 30's this morning. In my 30's I will graduate with my masters, and my son will graduate high school then become an Aggie. My 30's will consist of change, and happiness. This weekend I took myself shopping and I ended up at Tiffany & Co. I started looking at necklaces, and stumbled upon the bean necklace. Yes, I said bean. It looks like a gold pinto. The lady behind the counter said the bean represents new beginning. As soon as she said that I began to shake, and I tried really hard to hold back the tears. Of course the bean had to come home with me. New beginning....that is what my 30's will be. It's time for me to quit dwelling in my sadness. I can't change anything so I need to work on making things better. Better for my son, my family, my friends, and myself. It is what Wes would want. He would probably be kicking my rear if he was here, and yelling at me to "saddle up." He would say, "Babe, its time to start living again." I owe it to myself to quit dwelling. So now that it is here 30 doesn't seem to scary. In the works of Tim McGraw "my next thirty years will be the best years of my life...and Lord have mercy on my next thirty years." So cheers to new beginnings and beans!

Officially old,

Stella

All that matters...

My little bear is growing up- Rodney Atkins

Drivin’ through town just my boy and me
With a Happy Meal in his booster seat
Knowin’ that he couldn’t have the toy ‘til his nuggets were gone.
A green traffic light turned straight to red
I hit my brakes and mumbled under my breath.
His fries went a flyin’, and his orange drink covered his lap
Well, then my four year old said a four letter word
It started with “S” and I was concerned
So I said, “Son, now where’d you learn to talk like that?”

Chorus:
He said, "I’ve been watching you, dad ain’t that cool?
I’m your buckaroo, I wanna be like you.
And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are.
We got cowboy boots and camo pants
Yeah, we’re just alike, hey, ain’t we dad?
I want to do everything you do.
So I’ve been watching you."

We got back home and I went to the barn
I bowed my head and I prayed real hard
Said, “Lord, please help me help my stupid self.”
Just this side of bedtime later that night
Turnin’ on my son’s Scooby-Doo nightlight.
He crawled out of bed and he got down on his knees.
He closed his little eyes, folded his little hands
Spoke to God like he was talkin’ to a friend.
And I said, “Son, now where’d you learn to pray like that?”

Chorus:
He said, "I’ve been watching you, dad ain’t that cool?
I’m your buckaroo, I want to be like you.
And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are.
We like fixin’ things and holding momma’s hand
Yeah, we’re just alike, hey, ain’t we dad?
I want to do everything you do; so I’ve been watching you"

With tears in my eyes I wrapped him in a hug.
Said, “My little bear is growin’ up.”
And he said, “But when I’m big I’ll still know what to do.”

"‘Cause I’ve been watching you, dad ain’t that cool?
I’m your buckaroo, I want to be like you.
And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are.
By then I’ll be strong as superman
We’ll be just alike, hey, won’t we dad
When I can do everything you do.
‘cause I’ve been watchin’ you."
hey yeah
uh huh

After Wes died Trent asked me to download this song for him. For months he walked around the house with his ear buds in listening to the song over and over. I knew it made him feel close to his dad. I would stand in the hall outside his bedroom and listen to him sing it. I love to hear him sing when he thinks no one is listening. He tries to sing very low with a thick southern twang. He sounds so much older when he sings that way. He still sings this song in the shower almost every night. He is growing up into such a gentleman. He always compares things he does to the way his daddy did them. I am not sure if it is his way of feeling close, or his way of remembering. Maybe it's both. I know I am afraid of forgetting things about Wes, and I can't even imagine at such a young age how I would feel. That is why I like talking about Wes. Trent does too. It is our way of keeping his memory alive and not forgetting things. When you stop talking about someone its like they disappear. I don't want Wes to disappear. I want some more time with him. Some time to make my memory stronger, some time to remind my boy how much his daddy loved him, and some time to heal. Not talking about him is like ripping a band-aid off a fresh wound. Sometimes the memories hurt, sometimes they bring tears, but then other times they bring smile and laughter. Whatever the outcome, I treasure every memory.

I'm hoping I can turn this blog into a kind of scrapbook of our memories and journey. I was lucky to be part of Wes' life. I did however, miss out on many years and memories. Feel free to comment on any of my post if you have memories or stories of Wes. I would love to have a place for Trent to go back to and read about his daddy. So when he feels like he is forgetting he can go to a place to remember.

Cherishing the memories,
Stella

My favorite guys

My Valentine- Martina McBride

Today is Valentines. I try to look at it as just another day. Trent surprised me with a gift this morning. He gave me a charm for my bracelet called "everlasting love." He told me it was because we would always love daddy and he would always love us. I'm telling you, words can not describe how much I love this little boy. He is the most sincere and thoughtful person I have ever known. I will miss Wes for the rest of my life, but I will be grateful for all eternity that he brought Trent into my life.

Proud mom,
Stella

Just give it time- Joey + Rory

 

When I'm Gone by Joey + Rory
A bright sunrise will contradict the heavy fog that weighs you down
In spite of all the funeral songs, the birds will make their joyful sounds

You'll wonder why the Earth still moves.
You'll wonder how you'll carry on.

But you'll be okay on that first day when I'm gone

Dusk will come with fireflies and Whippoorwill and crickets call.
And every star will take its place in silvery gown and purple shawl

You'll lie down in our big bed
Dread the dark and dread the dawn.

But you'll be alright on that first night when I'm gone.

You will reach for me in vain, you'll be whispering my name
As if sorrow were your friend and this world so alien

But life will call with daffodils and morning glorious blue skies.
You'll think of me - some memory, and softly smile to your surprise.

And even though you love me still, you will know where you belong.

Just give it time
We'll both be fine when I'm gone.

A friend sent this to me today. This person is one of my best friends. She knew me before Wes, stood by me on the day I said "I do", and she was the one who helped try to save his life on that day in September. As you get older you notice that you may not get to spend as much time with people as you want, but those really important people, the one's in it in the long run, are the people who you can go months without seeing and pick up like not a day has gone by. These people are there for you through thick and thin. I am blessed to have several people like this in my life. These people know me well. They know when to hold your hand and when to give you space. They know when to let you cry and when to dry your tears. Without these people I am not quite sure how I would have made it through the past 16 months. Thank you to my friend who sent me this song today. I love you bigger than the sky.

This song really hit home with me. Not only does this lady have a beautiful voice, but it's another one of those songs that I feel was written just for me. I felt as though the words were taken straight from my heart. I know it's been over 16 months, but I feel like it's the first day. Every day there is the same sting of pain, everyday I think of him constantly, everyday I wish it were a dream, and everyday I watch my boy grow up into the young man his daddy dreamed he would be. Everyday I wish he could be here and see Trent evolve. Everyday I wonder how the world continues to move when I feel like I'm standing still. Everyday I go to bed and dread being alone. My bed has been made for 16 months. I can't take the pillows that drove Wes crazy off the bed. I can't pull back those covers and lay down. I don't know if has just become habit, or if it just feels so empty still. I sleep on the end of my bed or sometimes in his chair. It just still feels so new. 

Trent is going to be in middle school shortly, and I am halfway through graduate school. We are continuing to live. I just wish he was here to live with us. I catch myself everyday wanting to email or text him. Wanting to share something funny with him. Then there are those days when before, he would come home, hold me in his arms, and tell me everything would be alright. Now I come home and he's not there to comfort me. I still have this huge hole in my chest. It aches so badly. I hope one day the pain will cease, but I know I will never stop loving him or missing him. The past few weeks have been pretty difficult. I'm not really sure what it is, maybe the loneliness is getting to me, maybe I'm just spreading myself thin. Who knows. I just know that as everyday passes, it still feels like the first. 

 Always loving him,

Stella