Never knowing what could have been- Aaron Lewis

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do

This is a Rascal Flatts song, but Aaron Lewis just gets to me when he sings it. This song is about regret, wishing, love and hurt. I regret the things I may have not told Wes. How much I love him, how happy he made me, how great of a father he was, and the list could go on and on. I'm pretty sure he knows all these things, but I still wish I could tell him. I regret that night before that when he told me he couldn't breathe we went home. We had just had platter service at Sartin's and we thought he just over ate. I told him, "of course you can't breathe, you just ate the entire Gulf, unbutton your pants." If only I would have known, we could have gone to the hospital and he still could be here. I have shared that with a few people, and each one tells me not to think like that. I can't help it though. Things could have been done to prevent his death. I felt so helpless that morning watching him struggle to breathe. I remember when the EMT started CPR in the driveway, falling to my knees and screaming for God to help him. Maybe that is why I am having such a hard time with my faith. I screamed and begged for him to breathe, for him to live, and he was still taken from us. It's not fair, and I know that no one ever said life was fair, but why did it have to happen to us? I loved Wes so much it hurt, and I waited patiently for so long to find him. He was my other half, and with him in my life everything felt complete. He had been through so much in his life and never gave up, he deserved to live and enjoy his life. Trent deserved to have his daddy around. I know every parent is biased, but I really do have an amazing kid. He is so sweet, genuine, kind hearted, and thoughtful. He did not deserve to loose his daddy. My family loved Wes so much, and sometimes I felt they liked him more than me. They deserved more time to get to know him. Wes' family is so amazing. Such a tight knit group of people. They had been through the hard times with Wes and deserved some happy, peaceful time with him. All the trials and tribulations he lived through, and still his life was cut short. I still question everyday why this happened. I know I will never find an answer that satisfies me, nothing will ever replace Wes.

I often wonder what our lives would be like now if Wes was still here. We would probably still be in Sour Lake. I would probably have a baby or at least be pregnant. We would have probably gotten in a hundred arguments, but heard more "I'm sorry, I love you's". Trent would still have his daddy. Things would probably be a lot different. It's that not knowing that gets to me, the dream of what our family could have been. This was not suppose to happen to us, so what do we do now? I get up every morning, no matter how hard it is. I go to work, try and be a good mom, try and maintain good relationships with family and friends, but I feel like I've been programmed. I try and go on and live, but there is always a part of me hurting, a part of me missing him, a part of me missing. I want to feel whole again. I know it will take time, but I will always be different. My current class I am taking for my masters is Human Growth and Development. The chapters we covered this week was about loss. (I should make some pretty good grades this week.) An interesting thing I read in my text was that when losing a spouse it takes 5 years to get back a little normalcy and happiness, but the level of happiness never reaches what is what before. The graph they showed went up to only half the amount of happiness after widowhood. I really hope that that information is wrong, but I can understand how someone would come up with that info. Loss changes you. It brands you, it leaves its mark. All you can do is to try not to let it define you. If my name were to be defined I would not want my definition to be widow. This is how I want my definition to look.

Stella: (noun) one who flourishes under fire.
  synonyms: mother, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, teacher

Defining my life,
Stella

Taken 9/26/2011...2 days before he left.

Sometimes a song can touch a nerve- John Michael Montgomery

It's weird how the random things can sneak up on you. Sometimes these things cause tears, but sometimes they cause laughter. Sometimes I hear a song and can't change it quickly enough, and then there are those times when Trent says something and it sounds like Wes. This boy is growing up to be just like all the best parts of his daddy. Wes was a prankster and LOVED to scare the mess right out of me. He also loved to stay on my last nerve...it was a place that gave him the greatest joy. I am one of "those" people who like my bed straight and my pillows fluffed when I lay down. I would actually make the bed before I got in it. Wes could care less. As long as he had a place to lay and 2 pillows he was content. Every night was the same routine. He always beat me to bed, I would straighten my side, fluff my pillows, and when I was just about to put my head on my pillow he would punch it right in the center. He LOVED it, and did it every night. Speaking of pillows, he use to have this rubber snake he found in a chicken coop of our first house together. One night I went to fluff and there was that snake, right smack dab in the center of my 2 pillows. Good grief!!! That snake got me several times. One time I went to take a shower, and pulled back the shower curtain and there was that stupid snake again. Staring at me from the drain. You would think I would get use to that rubber snake, but it got me every time. When we moved into our last house we had a pool. That snake was always being found in the pool or hot tub. I finally got use to seeing it in the pool so the last time I thought I saw it was no big deal. Well guess what...it was REAL!!!! Wes laughed until he cried.

He loved to scare me too. He was always bribing me to watch scary movies with him with a date night. Guess what...I never got the date nights. He begged me for months to watch Paranormal Activity with him. I finally gave in. We rented it one night and watched it at home. I was curled up on the couch and had my blanket up to my eyes. I cried the entire movie, and then slept with a lamp on for 2 weeks. Before this movie I always slept with one leg out of the covers to keep me cool. Not now. I sweat when I sleep now because I am afraid a goblin will pull me off the bed. I am a wimp, I know. The best he ever got me was when he made me watch Mirrors with him. It is a movie that when you look in a mirror something shows up with you and kills you. FREAKY!!! Well after the movie I was proud of myself because I didn't cry. I decided I was going to take a shower and head to bed. Wes told me he had to use the restroom first. When he was done I took a nice, hot shower. When I got out of the shower I looked at the steamy mirror and it had written on it "I can see you!" I screamed and ran, almost leaving a hole in the shape of me on the door. I am a very modest person, but I was running through the house soaking wet and without a towel. All the lights in the house were off. I ran to Wes' chair and hid underneath his blanket. I'm sitting there crying and hollering Wes' name when I hear chuckles coming from our kitchen in the back of the house. Apparently when he used the restroom before my shower he also had put deodorant on his finger and wrote the message on the mirror. This was his favorite story to tell. I'll admit, it's funny now, but it wasn't then.

My jokester. I sure do miss him. I miss his laugh. I miss his voice even when he is making fun of me. I miss him punching my pillows. I even miss his snore. Weird thing...Trent started snoring like his daddy last week. I thought I was being robbed. It literally sounded like someone was dragging furniture across the floor. He is also becoming a jokester like his daddy. God bless Trent. He keeps his daddy's memory alive in our house.

Screams and giggles,
Stella

Lord have mercy on my next 30 years- Tim McGraw

"My Next Thirty Years"

I think I’ll take a moment, celebrate my age
The ending of an era and the turning of a page
Now it’s time to focus in on where I go from here
Lord have mercy on my next thirty years

Hey my next thirty years I’m gonna have some fun
Try to forget about all the crazy things I’ve done
Maybe now I’ve conquered all my adolescent fears
And I’ll do it better in my next thirty years

My next thirty years I’m gonna settle all the scores
Cry a little less, laugh a little more
Find a world of happiness without the hate and fear
Figure out just what I’m doing here
In my next thirty years

Oh my next thirty years, I’m gonna watch my weight
Eat a few more salads and not stay up so late
Drink a little lemonade and not so many beers
Maybe I’ll remember my next thirty years

My next thirty years will be the best years of my life
Raise a little family and hang out with my wife
Spend precious moments with the ones that I hold dear
Make up for lost time here, in my next thirty years
In my next thirty years 

Today I enter a new decade. Thirty...good grief. My life is not exactly where I thought it would be, but I am trying to focus on my accomplishments. I feel that I have led a pretty good life so far. I have gone through sadness and tragedy, but I have also had some pretty amazing things happen. I graduated college, started my career, started graduate school, married the love of my life and started our family. I have made life long friendships, bought my first home, and I have flourished under fire. I have learned to live for the moment, and never put anything off. I have learned how to stand up for myself, and learned its okay to be honest even if it hurts sometimes. I have learned the value of life. I was thinking about my 30's this morning. In my 30's I will graduate with my masters, and my son will graduate high school then become an Aggie. My 30's will consist of change, and happiness. This weekend I took myself shopping and I ended up at Tiffany & Co. I started looking at necklaces, and stumbled upon the bean necklace. Yes, I said bean. It looks like a gold pinto. The lady behind the counter said the bean represents new beginning. As soon as she said that I began to shake, and I tried really hard to hold back the tears. Of course the bean had to come home with me. New beginning....that is what my 30's will be. It's time for me to quit dwelling in my sadness. I can't change anything so I need to work on making things better. Better for my son, my family, my friends, and myself. It is what Wes would want. He would probably be kicking my rear if he was here, and yelling at me to "saddle up." He would say, "Babe, its time to start living again." I owe it to myself to quit dwelling. So now that it is here 30 doesn't seem to scary. In the works of Tim McGraw "my next thirty years will be the best years of my life...and Lord have mercy on my next thirty years." So cheers to new beginnings and beans!

Officially old,

Stella

All that matters...