I'm glad I didn't know- Garth Brooks

"The Dance"

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance 

I often think about how my life would have turned out if things would have been different. What would have happened if I knew I would lose Wes? Would I choose not to be with him to save myself the pain? The answer is always no. I wouldn't change a thing. I would have missed out on so much just to protect myself. The future is scary, mostly because I am not sure what it will hold. I have found myself being very careful at what I allow in my life. I have already lost so much and I am afraid to lose again. Is this anyway for me to live? If I lived like this all along I would have missed out on so much. I would have missed out on love, extended family, and being a mother. So it there really any reason for me to live my life so carefully to avoid pain? No. If I live life this way I will never experience the joys of life again. It is scary, but life means so much more. 

It is hard sometimes to keep on living. To keep moving forward. Sometimes I get so tired, I feel like I am taking care of everyone, but I no longer have someone to help me or take care of me. Yes, I have parents and friends who are here for me, but it is different having a partner in life. I miss having a teammate, someone I can lean on. It's just me now. I am the mom and the dad, the man and the woman of the house. My mind is always on what I need to accomplish and what needs to be taken care of. Too often I leave myself off of that list. I forget about me. It is not until I get run down, and at the end of my rope that I remember I need to take care of me too, but then something always comes up. Someone needs something of me, wants my time, or needs my help. The problem is I don't mind putting others before myself. It's my nature. I have always been this way and I don't really see myself changing. When someone needs help, they don't even have to ask, I just do it. You would think it would be easy for me to reach out for help, nope. I am as stubborn as they come. And truthfully, I can really take care of myself, my house, and my responsibilities. It's just nice having someone there. I miss that. I miss having a companion. 

It has been 29 months since Wes left. I know it is time I pick up my pieces and move forward. I still feel so torn. I know he would want me to be happy, but moving on means letting go. Letting go is scary. I recently started reading a book about a widow in her 30's learning how to move on. I really related to her in the first few chapters. The book took a strange turn after that, but in the beginning she was struggling with being scared to let herself feel again, she was scared of being hurt. One part of the book that really spoke to me was, "You can't stop taking risks just because you lost someone already. It's no way to live, in fear of living in case of pain" (Banks, 2014).

So, am I going to miss out on the pain, or am I going to learn to dance again? Stay Tuned!

Stella

            My reason to dance again!