Drink one for me, for all the old times- Jason Aldean

"Drink One For Me"

You don't know how bad,
I wish I was home
Can't wait to get back,
But while I'm gone
Y'all carry on

Drink one for me, for all the old times
We tore up that town, raised hell alright
Tell the boys, thanks for having my back
Some of the best memories I've ever had
So go on and get crazy
And drink one for me

I can't count the miles,
It just feels so far
And it could be a while
'Til I'm where you are
So keep me in your heart

Drink one for me, for all the old times
We tore up that town, raised hell alright
Tell the boys, thanks for having my back
Some of the best memories I've ever had
So go on and get crazy
And drink one

For the ones you can't be with
The ones we'll always miss
And times like this
And times like this

Drink one for me, for all the old times
We tore up that town, raised hell alright
Tell the boys, thanks for having my back
Some of the best memories I've ever had
So go on and get crazy
And drink one for me
Drink one for me 

The past few weeks I have spent more time with an old friend. This friend is how I met Wes. I will forever be grateful for the introduction. This friend tells me old stories of Wes, stories I've never heard. This friend recently had a baby. They were telling me how much they looked up to Wes, and his parenting. My friend is right, Wes was a great dad. This weekend I was with my friend when this Jason Aldean song came on. At the time my friend and I were spending time like the good old days, just riding around the deer lease listening to music, and I felt like Wes was singing this song just for us. Wes and I were just friends around the poker table before we started dating. Life was so simple then. I miss the simplicity in friendships. I miss the days when just the company was enough. I miss spur of the moment cookouts. Everything feels so orchestrated now. Life is going by so fast, it's time to slow down. It's time for the laid back part of life to return. I liked when we could play poker all night for a $20 buy in. Now everyone wants to drop a ton at the casino. Back then it wasn't about winning or losing, it wasn't about how much money you walked away with at the end of the night, it was the company. It was the jokes with your friends, the stories from the past, the memories. I miss that time. There are only so many memories that can be made on a dance floor. The abundance of memories and good times happen around a fire, a barbeque pit, around a poker table, on washer boards, or just sitting around the good company of friends and family. 

It's hard to figure out where your place is when you become a widow. You're not part of the married crowd, but you're not necessarily single either. You're in a place many don't understand. Others who have been through widowhood have told me to make new friends, but they don't realize the quality of my old ones. These are people who have helped me become the person I am. They introduced me to the love of my life, stood by me on the day we wed,  helped me bury him on that very hard day, helped me stay sane when I felt like going crazy, and have given me a lifetime of memories. These friends are irreplaceable. I just hope they can stand me as I try to fit back in, and try to get comfortable with me again. I know it's not my friends who have changed, it's me. I have to be okay with me. Sometimes I just don't know who I am anymore. I guess it's just one of the repercussions of a life changing event.

Remembering the little things,

Stella

Much like being wrapped up, baby in your arms- Brandon Rhyder

Through that green field, through yellow flowers
Over that hill, lies a heavenly lake
Her beauty inspires me, it makes me feel calm
Much like being wrapped up, baby in your arms

But everybody knows, that happy ever after
Has valleys of darkness, has snow capped mountains
Everybody knows, there are beaches on shores
That somehow disappear in the eye of the storm
You asked me a question, I gave you an answer
You're all I want and more
And if happy ever after, means fighting some battles
Baby you're worth fighting for

I believe in love songs, and I believe in pain
I believe in sunsets, I believe on rainy days
I believe in your presence, that I am a better man
Then I'd ever be, without you here


But everybody knows, that happy ever after
Has valleys of darkness, has snow capped mountains
Everybody knows, there are beaches on shores
That somehow disappear in the eye of the storm
You asked me a question, I gave you an answer
You're all I want and more
And if happy ever after, means fighting some battles
Baby you're worth fighting for

And if happy ever after, means fighting some battle
Baby you're worth fighting for

This was mine and Wes' song. We danced in our kitchen to it, we danced at our wedding to it, and whenever we would have some problems we would listen to it and remind ourselves that we were worth the fight.

I don't know what it is lately that has me missing Wes so much. I not only miss his presence, but I miss his help. He was my team mate. He picked up my slack, and I his. I miss having that dynamic. I don't have a choice to get sick, or to lay down and cry because I miss him. My world is constantly moving, and will not wait for me to recover. I don't have the luxury of having a partner to be there. And then there are days like today. Days when I feel so beaten down. There is that constant knot in my throat as I try not to cry. I don't like to cry, because most people think that means you are weak. I cry because I'm tired...tired of being strong. Tired of killing myself to keep it all together. My dad told me today that I have a huge plate, and my plate is over flowing. I did not argue with him about that. I feel like I am holding an entire turkey on dollar store paper plates. I miss having Wes there with his two hands to help.

And then there is the part of me that is forgetting things. Wes use to yell "BACON" to me every Saturday and Sunday morning to wake me up, and then he would go back to sleep. It drove me nuts while he thought it was hilarious. Yesterday at the grocery store I was about to pick it up out of the cooler when Trent yelled "BACON." Then he started cracking up. Barely through his laughter he could get out, "That was just like dad." It took me a second, but then I remembered. I joined in the laughter, but it made me sad that I had forgotten about that. The other night at dinner with friends, one of them had cigarettes that were the same blend Wes smoked. I hated the smell of his cigarettes when he was here. He smoked them so fast they almost had a sour smell. But I grabbed the pack from my friend and just opened it up and it was the sweetest smell. It's those little things that drove me crazy that I miss the most. 

We was a great partner. He really cared about me. He took care of me when I was sick. He ran the house when I had a migraine. And when I had a bad day, he wrapped me in his arms. I miss those longs arms around me with my head on his chest. It was such a safe place. I miss that place. Our place. 

Here is a poem by EE Cummings. One of my best friends and I use to be obsessed with it. It is for my heart and his.

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Use the needle of your compass to sew up your broken heart- Rodney Adkins

Well you know those times
When you feel like there's a sign there on your back
Says I don't mind if ya kick me
Seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You'd think they can't get worse than that
And then they do

You step off the straight and narrow
And you don't know where you are
Use the needle of your compass
To sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie
In a bottle of Jim Beam
And she lies to you
That's when you learn the truth

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Well I been deep down in that darkness
I been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different demons
Breathing fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled
I'd fall right into the trap that they were laying, yeah

But the good news
Is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holding out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been dragging for so long
You're on your knees
You might as well be praying
Guess what I'm saying

If your going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there
Yeah, you might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there.

It's been a little while since my last blog. Life is crazy right now. I feel like I don't have time to stop. I guess this is the life of a single parent. Since my last blog my son has turned 11. Time is moving too fast. Time is moving further away from Wes, and making my little boy grow up too quick. I wish I could stop time and savor every moment. It's like I'm caught up in a world wind. I keep thinking "if I can just make it to summer." Summer is right around the corner, but it seems so far away. Sometimes I'm glad I'm busy. It's when I stop that the sadness creeps back in. In a few months it will be 2 years since Wes' death. It still seems so unreal. I am not sure if it will ever seem real. You would think that by now it would have sunk in, but I still have my days when I feel like he's just at work. I would give anything if that were the truth. I wish he would walk through the door at 6:30 and I could hear him griping about work. Those gripes would be the sweetest words. I see all around me people expecting perfection in their relationships. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. There are days you love each other, and days you can't stand each other. There may even be days that you wish you had never been married. That's normal, but it's not a reason to give up. One of my parents always told me it takes 2 to make a marriage work, but only 1 to give up. So if your stuck in a rut just keep going. You will get out of it. It may take longer than you want, but keep fighting. Even if I could only get the bad times back, it would be enough. My heart breaks when I see friends or family go through rough spots in their relationships. I wish I could tell them that I would give anything for a rough spot. Good times or bad...at least their partner is still there. You can hear them yell, you can hear the door slam, but you also get to feel their embrace when the fighting stops. I want Wes back so bad. Even if he only yelled at me, at least I would hear his voice. 

If you are having a rough time in your relationship please take a breath, and remember you are lucky that you still have a relationship you can fight for. So fight for it! Do it for those who don't have an option.

Wishing there was yelling instead of silence,

Stella

 Christmas morning 2008...and yes, I chose this picture because I know Wes is probably yelling at me for using it.