Much like being wrapped up, baby in your arms- Brandon Rhyder

Through that green field, through yellow flowers
Over that hill, lies a heavenly lake
Her beauty inspires me, it makes me feel calm
Much like being wrapped up, baby in your arms

But everybody knows, that happy ever after
Has valleys of darkness, has snow capped mountains
Everybody knows, there are beaches on shores
That somehow disappear in the eye of the storm
You asked me a question, I gave you an answer
You're all I want and more
And if happy ever after, means fighting some battles
Baby you're worth fighting for

I believe in love songs, and I believe in pain
I believe in sunsets, I believe on rainy days
I believe in your presence, that I am a better man
Then I'd ever be, without you here


But everybody knows, that happy ever after
Has valleys of darkness, has snow capped mountains
Everybody knows, there are beaches on shores
That somehow disappear in the eye of the storm
You asked me a question, I gave you an answer
You're all I want and more
And if happy ever after, means fighting some battles
Baby you're worth fighting for

And if happy ever after, means fighting some battle
Baby you're worth fighting for

This was mine and Wes' song. We danced in our kitchen to it, we danced at our wedding to it, and whenever we would have some problems we would listen to it and remind ourselves that we were worth the fight.

I don't know what it is lately that has me missing Wes so much. I not only miss his presence, but I miss his help. He was my team mate. He picked up my slack, and I his. I miss having that dynamic. I don't have a choice to get sick, or to lay down and cry because I miss him. My world is constantly moving, and will not wait for me to recover. I don't have the luxury of having a partner to be there. And then there are days like today. Days when I feel so beaten down. There is that constant knot in my throat as I try not to cry. I don't like to cry, because most people think that means you are weak. I cry because I'm tired...tired of being strong. Tired of killing myself to keep it all together. My dad told me today that I have a huge plate, and my plate is over flowing. I did not argue with him about that. I feel like I am holding an entire turkey on dollar store paper plates. I miss having Wes there with his two hands to help.

And then there is the part of me that is forgetting things. Wes use to yell "BACON" to me every Saturday and Sunday morning to wake me up, and then he would go back to sleep. It drove me nuts while he thought it was hilarious. Yesterday at the grocery store I was about to pick it up out of the cooler when Trent yelled "BACON." Then he started cracking up. Barely through his laughter he could get out, "That was just like dad." It took me a second, but then I remembered. I joined in the laughter, but it made me sad that I had forgotten about that. The other night at dinner with friends, one of them had cigarettes that were the same blend Wes smoked. I hated the smell of his cigarettes when he was here. He smoked them so fast they almost had a sour smell. But I grabbed the pack from my friend and just opened it up and it was the sweetest smell. It's those little things that drove me crazy that I miss the most. 

We was a great partner. He really cared about me. He took care of me when I was sick. He ran the house when I had a migraine. And when I had a bad day, he wrapped me in his arms. I miss those longs arms around me with my head on his chest. It was such a safe place. I miss that place. Our place. 

Here is a poem by EE Cummings. One of my best friends and I use to be obsessed with it. It is for my heart and his.

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)