I'll be here when it all gets weird- Flogging Molly's

"If I Ever Leave This World Alive"

If I ever leave this world alive
I'll thank for all the things you did in my life
If I ever leave this world alive
I'll come back down and sit beside your
feet tonight
Wherever I am you'll always be
More than just a memory
If I ever leave this world alive

If I ever leave this world alive
I'll take on all the sadness
That I left behind
If I ever leave this world alive
The madness that you feel will soon subside
So in a word don't shed a tear
I'll be here when it all gets weird
If I ever leave this world alive

So when in doubt just call my name
Just before you go insane
If I ever leave this world
Hey I may never leave this world
But if I ever leave this world alive

She says I'm okay; I'm alright,
Though you have gone from my life
You said that it would,
Now everything should be all right

She says I'm okay; I'm alright,
Though you have gone from my life
You said that it would,
Now everything should be all right
Yeah should be alright 

There has been a lot on my mind lately. I'm in a place of limbo, and I can feel change on the horizon. We are just a few weeks away from the 3 year anniversary of when Wes left this world. One thing I know is that it never gets easier when a loved one leaves, it just gets different. The way you lived before is no longer, and you learn to live in a new way. It's hard, and it never gets easier. It does get manageable though. Life is continuously changing and there is no stopping the inevitable. The world does not stop for our sorrow or sadness, but it seems to speed up in our moments of happiness and joy. I will never understand the cunning ways of the world. 

Part of this limbo in life I am feeling has to do with moving on without feeling guilty. This may be hard for some to understand unless you have lost someone very close. In the beginning, when I finally started to feel moments of happiness again, I would feel guilty that I was feeling happy without him. Now, I find myself moving on into a new stage of life and I can't bring him with me. For the first time tonight I let myself watch the movie "We Bought a Zoo." I immediately dismissed this movie when I first heard it was about a widower. Tonight I gave it a chance, and what Matt Damon (the widower) said hit me like a freight train. He said, "it would be so much easier to move on if I could talk to her about it." It's the final discussion that all widows/widowers need to have that we will never get the chance to. As a couple you discuss everything, and make decisions together. Now, you are getting to make a new life without that person, and all you want is their blessing. I guess you just have to know in your heart that they would want you happy.

A few weeks ago I watched "PS I Love You." Talk about a cry/snot fest. I boo hoo-ed like a baby, but could not change the channel. It was self-inflicted torture. I found myself jealous of Hillary Swank (the widow). Her deceased husband left her letters to guide her through the grief, and ultimately find her way to a new life without him. I would have given anything to have a letter for Wes to guide me and reassure me. I wanted to change the channel so bad, but just couldn't find the strength. At the VERY END of the movie when the credits begin to roll was the reason I could not change the channel. There was a song I was meant to hear. As I listened to the lyrics of "If I Ever Leave This World Alive" by Flogging Molly's, I cried and laughed at the same time. It was almost as if Wes was talking to me when they sang, "so in a word don't shed a tear, I'll be here when it all gets weird," and, "so when in doubt just call my name just before you go insane." I could almost hear his scruffy voice singing. I guess that was my letter from Wes. He was telling me to be happy, and that he would always be here. Most of all, I felt his blessing. I am going to leave you today with the last lyric of the song, which I sing at the top of my lungs. It gives me peace. 

"She says I'm okay; I'm alright,
Though you have gone from my life
You said that it would,
Now everything should be all right"

Finding my way,

Stella

My peaceful place...the lake.