I have never felt more lost in all my life. I finally felt like things were falling into place and everything made sense, then BAM...the rug got ripped out from under me. I have Trent. That part makes sense. Being a mom is the only thing I'm sure of. Everything else I am lost on. I am lost on how to fit into this world now. I am no longer part of the "married" circle, but I don't really fit into the "single" circle either. I'm a widow. You don't see many 29 (and holding) year old widows hanging out on the weekends. Where do I fit in? As 30 is creeping around the corner I realize that my life is nothing like I pictured it would be. I pictured myself married with babies keeping me up all night. I have friends all around me getting married and having babies. I truly and happy of them, but I can't help but be a little jealous. It makes me feel so bad to feel this way. But then again, I'm lost. My spiritual life is a wreck. I'm still not sure what I believe. I know my friends and family are probably getting tired of this lost person I have become. I really have lost sense of who I am. I am living this life in a routine. This routine is all I have. Work, and being a mom are keeping me going. I miss Wes so badly. Every day he is on my mind. Every night I go to sleep wishing he was there. We may have not had the perfect relationship, but I would rather spend the rest of my life fighting with him everyday than to not have him at all. It wouldn't matter if times were good or bad, all that would matter is that he would be there. I am so tired of feeling so lonely. When Trent is gone I spend time with friends and family, but at the end of the day I still go home to an empty house. I love my house, but it's empty when Trent is gone. There are reminders of Wes all around. His boots by the shelf in the living room, his night shirt and hearing aid on his bed stand. His pillows are still on the bed. His brush is by mine in the bathroom drawer. Pictures of him cover our walls and shelves. I still spray his cologne just so I can smell him. Sometimes I still feel like he's just at work and will be home anytime. That is what my niece says. She's only 3, but she still remembers Uncle Wes. She talks about him sometimes and tells us he's just at work. Oh, how I wish that were true. I would love for him to walk through the door tonight and hear him griping about customers at work. I would give anything for him to walk in with muddy shoes so I could clean up his mess. I wish I could hear him snore again, because that would let me know he was laying beside me. I feel so lost without him. It's like he took a piece of me with him. I am forever changed. I will never be the person I was. Part of me will always be missing until I get my heart back.
Sometimes it feels like, I'm gonna break
Sometimes this world, gives more than I can take
Sometimes, sunshine gets lost in the rain
And it keeps pouring down
It just keeps coming down.
This life would kill me If I didn't have you
I couldn't live without you baby
I wouldn't want to
If you didn't love me so much
I'd never make it through
'Cuz this life would kill me
This life would kill me if I didn't have you.
You are my heart, every breath I breathe
I'm safe in your arms, you rescue me.
When I'm weak, you're strong
If you were gone I don't know where I'd be
You were made for me
(You were made for me)
This life would kill me If I didn't have you
I couldn't live without you baby
I wouldn't want to
If you didn't love me so much
I'd never make it through
'Cuz this life would kill me
This life would kill me if I didn't have you
If you didn't love me so much
(If you didn't love me so much)
This Life would kill me If I didn't have you
(This life would kill me)
Couldn't live without you baby
I wouldn't want to
If you didn't love me so much
I'd never make it through
'Cuz This life would kill me
This Life would kill me if I didn't have you
I have listened to this song so many times. Sometimes when I listen to it I think of Wes and how much I love him. Then I get to the lyric that says, "This life would kill me if I didn't have you." Well, I no longer have him and I'm still alive. I know I will always have him in my heart. I will always have his presence because of Trent. Sometimes when I hear this song I think of my friends and family that have stuck by my side during this heart ache. I really am a lucky person to have such amazing people in my life. I have 6 amazing parents. Yes, I said 6. My mom and my dad have always been there, and encouraged me along the way. Then I was blessed with 2 amazing step-parents. I am the kind of mom I am, because my step-parents taught me how to love a child as my own no matter what relation. As an adult I have been so lucky to have a mother-in-law, who I call Mom, and a father-in-law that treat me like I've always been part of the family. There are several people out there who don't have 1 parent to lean on and I have 6. Then there are my siblings. Blood, step, or by marriage, it doesn't matter. I love each of them and would do anything for them. They certainly are always there for me. Then I have my friends. Wes and I are so lucky to have such amazing friends. My friends have been there to make me laugh, dry my tears, distract me from my struggles when necessary, encourage me when times get tough, and they are always there to listen. Such amazing friends and family. I honestly don't know where I would be without them.
Then there is my boy, Trent. I cannot explain the love I have for him. I know I came into his life when he was five, and I missed out on the baby years, but I feel like he is a piece of me. I never knew you could love another person so much. I loved Wes in a different way, but I can honestly say that I have never loved someone as much as I love my son. He is the reason I get up everyday, the reason I want a good life, the reason I have to find a way to go on without Wes. He is the reason for my everything. He is the kindest and most loving person I have ever known. He is so smart, and determined. He is developing his father's sense of humor, which I love. He is the sunshine in my storm of a life. He is the reason I kept going when Wes left this place. He makes me want to be a better person every day, and always strive to be the best mother I can. He is so sincere and empathetic. One day, he is going to make one lucky lady an amazing husband. I know without a doubt that Wes is proud of his son. I will do everything in my power to provide the life that Wes wanted for Trent. Wes had high hopes and big dreams for Trent. I know my boy will have no problem making those hopes and dreams come true. I always hear people say that you never know what love is until you have a child. They were right. It is an indescribable love. A love that can heal a broken heart, and give hope for a good future.
People say I'm just a rough boy
I ain't no good for you girl
It's a dead end street, tryin' to love me
Yeah, I'll wreck your world
I can see why they're all talkin'
Lookin' back at my past
I've got a bad name, but a man can change
I'm livin' proof of that
Til my last day, til my last breath
Of everyone that can, I can love you the best
Til my last day, I'll be lovin' you
All the way up, til they lay me down
Six feet under the cold hard ground
Til my last day, I'll be lovin' you
Baby I might meet all my friends
Shoot the bull, have a beer or two
But you know I'll be the first one to leave
In a hurry to get to you
Somewhere deep inside your angel eyes
I found a place to rest,
Don't ever doubt that I'll be around,
And baby don't you ever forget
Til my last day, til my last breath
Of everyone that can, I can love you the best
Til my last day, I'll be lovin' you
All the way up, til they lay me down
Six feet under the cold hard ground
Til my last day, I'll be lovin' you
Darlin' yes I will
Til my last day, til my last breath
Of everyone that can, I can love you the best
Til my last day, I'll be lovin' you
All the way up, til they lay me down
Six feet under the cold hard ground
Til my last day, I'll be lovin' you
Oh babe, til my last day
I just wanted to spend a little time to tell you a bit about my soul mate, my sunshine, the love of my life. First, let's talk about how we met. I was always the girl that was fine being single. You look for so long until you finally give up. I met Wes when I was happy with my life. I wasn't looking for anything or anyone. I had graduated college, had a good job, had my own place, and was content with life. Every Friday night a group of us use to play poker. Wes would come every now and then. So that's how we met...poker night. I was a much better poker player than he was, but he would never admit it. After a few times at Friday night poker, Wes and I became friends. It was my 24th birthday at our friend's house when he asked for my number. We started hanging out more and got to know each other. He told me about his son who I couldn't wait to meet. Wes made me wait though. We dated for over 2 months before I got to meet Trent. Wes later told me he wanted to be sure of our relationship before he introduced us. I immediately fell in love with Trent. It took a little longer for Wes. That summer we all spent a great deal of time together. Hurricane Ike hit that fall, and my house was damaged. It was then Wes asked me to move in. He asked Trent first. Trent said, "Good, she's here all the time anyway." We created our family at our first home in Nome. My 26th birthday rolled around. Wes was acting very weird. He always made my birthday great, but he didn't have anything planned this time. I was frustrated so I invited a few friends over before he came home from work. When Wes came home he asked everyone to leave. I got so nervous. I thought he was about to break up with me. He asked me to stay in the living room while he made dinner. Well, it didn't take long because about 5 minutes later he was walking into the living room with a plate of Buffalo Wild Wings. He handed me my plate and then dropped to one knee. He started telling me how much he loved me, and how much Trent did too. He told me that he couldn't picture their family without me in it. It was then he pulled a small white box out of his pocket. I immediately felt nauseous. Here I was thinking I was about to get kicked out, and now he's proposing. Of course I said yes!!! I always wondered how that moment would go, but Wes knew me very well. Wings and a ring got this girl. The planning began, the wedding came, and our life began. I wish I knew then that our time would be limited so I could pour myself into our relationship. Wes made all my dreams come true.
A little about my guy. Wes was a tall man. I loved when he hugged me and towered over me. I felt so safe and secure. The best part of Wes was his humor. He made me laugh constantly. In a relationship that was one of my top priorities. I see Trent developing Wes' sense of humor. Even when he made me mad he always seemed to make me laugh. Most of the time it was because he would reach up and turn off his hearing aid so he couldn't hear my nagging. That got me every time. Wes was a very loving man. He loved me the most when I deserved it the least. He loved his family and I saw that from the beginning of our relationship. He was a great father. Trent's needs always came before his own. Wes was always striving to be a better man. He knew when he made mistakes, and always made things right. One of his favorite things to do was to cook. He cooked good too. He made Paula Dean happy. His food was so rich and full of butter. He definitely made it difficult when I tried to diet. He was a MESS in the kitchen though. It got to the point that when he cooked I was not allowed in the kitchen. I would always be in there cleaning, and apparently I was in his way. He would use every pot and pan we had, and every meal had to have some kind of homemade gravy, so flour would be everywhere. When he cooked it drove me crazy, but in the end it was always worth it. Every meal he made had a story behind it. It was something he created, or something he learned from a family member. He always tried to recreate his sisters concoctions, but I never told him that he never quite nailed it. I always told him it was the best I ever had. Besides cooking Wes loved to work on our house. The last home we lived in Wes had all kinds of plans for. Some of them happened and others were just a dream. His pride and joy of the last house was the fire pit he made. He welded the box and mortared in white rock. It was beautiful, and he was so proud. When I moved that was the most important thing...I HAD to bring his fire pit with me. Wes worked hard to provide for our family. He made all of his dreams come true. He had his family, a nice home, and 5 days before he died he got his dream job. He worked so very hard to achieve his dreams. He gave all of himself to give us a good life. Until his last day he sacrificed to provide for others. Wes was a transplant patient. He had 2 kidney and a pancreas transplant. I always knew that our life together wouldn't last for 50 years, but I thought I would have more time with him. The day he passed I was asked if Wes was a donor. As far as I knew he couldn't being a transplant patient. Well, as I found out he could be a donor. He could donate tissues, blood vessels, and bones. Knowing Wes I knew the right decision. His life was saved by others generosity, and I knew he would want to be part of that. I received a letter recently saying that so far Wes' donation has helped over 50 people. I know that he would be proud of that. I could sit here all day and go on and on about him. I'll tell you more later. Wes in a nut shell was kind, loving, funny, a great father and husband, a hard worker, a loyal friend and son, very caring brother, and determined. The people that knew him are grateful they had the chance. I sure am.
Weather man said it’s gonna snow
By now I should be used to the cold
Mid-February shouldn’t be so scary
It was only December
I still remember the presents, the tree, you and me
But you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I’ll be OK
But I’m not going to ever get over you
Living alone here in this place
I think of you, and I’m not afraid
Your favorite records make me feel better
Cause you sing along
With every song
I know you didn’t mean to give them to me
But you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I’ll be OK
But I’m not going to ever get over you
It really sinks in, you know, when I see it in stone
Cause you went away,
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I’ll be OK
But I’m not going to ever get over you
All around me people are excited for the new year. "2013...the best year yet." The new year to many represents a new beginning. The bad things that have previously happened are gone and most forgotten, the struggles and hardships have disappeared. Most only hold on to the good memories and the happy times. Most are determined that great things will come this year. Others believe God has a plan for them, and for the most part they trust that plan. What happens when you can't identify with either of those types of people? I am not sure how much I still believe that there is a "plan" for my life. September 28, 2011 blew that out of the water. How losing the love of my life could fit into any "plan" that my loving God has for me I still can't figure out. How do I trust there is a plan and all of this one day will make sense? How do I know that this plan everyone speaks of really exist? I try and remind myself of my favorite scripture. Jeremiah 29:11. It says that God has a plan for us. What exactly does that mean. Is it a plan he has written on his legal pad or in his notebook. Did God stash this plan away in the notes app on his iPad. Or....is the plan for us to just live life. To figure out the best way we know how to live a decent life. Is heartache and sorrow part of this plan? I get so confused when I hear others say "I trust God's plan." Really???? I did too. Now I am unsure. Unsure if there is a plan, a written map, an outline to the story of my life. Or is the plan just life? The good and the bad. I question everything these days. I question what we as humans made up to help ourselves cope with the harsh reality of this world we live in, or do these supernatural plans exist? If they do...I want to see mine. No more surprises. Life has kicked my ass way too many times. I want some proof, some validation. I guess I really just want back my faith. It is a hard thing to keep, and a hard thing to trust.
Trent has been gone for 12 days visiting with other family. I hate not seeing my boy everyday. When I am in his presence it is easier to have faith in some sort of plan. I see my future when I look in his eyes. Wes made me believe in love, and believe in a happy ever after. Trent makes me see the possibilities life has to offer. He gives me courage to look towards another happy life. He is the reason I want my faith back.
I miss Wes so much everyday. I miss him on Christmas eve laughing at the Rasa family Christmas. I miss him on Christmas morning when we watched Trent open his gifts. I miss him throughout Christmas day as we spent time with both of our families. I miss him the day after Christmas when we would stay in our pj's and have family movie day with a fire in the fireplace. I miss him on New Year's eve when I now stand alone at the strike of midnight. I missed him when the Aggies won the Cotton Bowl. (Seems silly, but you just have to understand my Aggie family.) I miss him every second of every day. People say I will one day get over Wes, but they are wrong. I will never get over him, I will never love anyone like I love him, but someday I will be strong enough to live without him.
