I have never felt more lost in all my life. I finally felt like things were falling into place and everything made sense, then BAM...the rug got ripped out from under me. I have Trent. That part makes sense. Being a mom is the only thing I'm sure of. Everything else I am lost on. I am lost on how to fit into this world now. I am no longer part of the "married" circle, but I don't really fit into the "single" circle either. I'm a widow. You don't see many 29 (and holding) year old widows hanging out on the weekends. Where do I fit in? As 30 is creeping around the corner I realize that my life is nothing like I pictured it would be. I pictured myself married with babies keeping me up all night. I have friends all around me getting married and having babies. I truly and happy of them, but I can't help but be a little jealous. It makes me feel so bad to feel this way. But then again, I'm lost. My spiritual life is a wreck. I'm still not sure what I believe. I know my friends and family are probably getting tired of this lost person I have become. I really have lost sense of who I am. I am living this life in a routine. This routine is all I have. Work, and being a mom are keeping me going. I miss Wes so badly. Every day he is on my mind. Every night I go to sleep wishing he was there. We may have not had the perfect relationship, but I would rather spend the rest of my life fighting with him everyday than to not have him at all. It wouldn't matter if times were good or bad, all that would matter is that he would be there. I am so tired of feeling so lonely. When Trent is gone I spend time with friends and family, but at the end of the day I still go home to an empty house. I love my house, but it's empty when Trent is gone. There are reminders of Wes all around. His boots by the shelf in the living room, his night shirt and hearing aid on his bed stand. His pillows are still on the bed. His brush is by mine in the bathroom drawer. Pictures of him cover our walls and shelves. I still spray his cologne just so I can smell him. Sometimes I still feel like he's just at work and will be home anytime. That is what my niece says. She's only 3, but she still remembers Uncle Wes. She talks about him sometimes and tells us he's just at work. Oh, how I wish that were true. I would love for him to walk through the door tonight and hear him griping about customers at work. I would give anything for him to walk in with muddy shoes so I could clean up his mess. I wish I could hear him snore again, because that would let me know he was laying beside me. I feel so lost without him. It's like he took a piece of me with him. I am forever changed. I will never be the person I was. Part of me will always be missing until I get my heart back.
Missing pieces,
Stella
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