Just give it time- Joey + Rory

 

When I'm Gone by Joey + Rory
A bright sunrise will contradict the heavy fog that weighs you down
In spite of all the funeral songs, the birds will make their joyful sounds

You'll wonder why the Earth still moves.
You'll wonder how you'll carry on.

But you'll be okay on that first day when I'm gone

Dusk will come with fireflies and Whippoorwill and crickets call.
And every star will take its place in silvery gown and purple shawl

You'll lie down in our big bed
Dread the dark and dread the dawn.

But you'll be alright on that first night when I'm gone.

You will reach for me in vain, you'll be whispering my name
As if sorrow were your friend and this world so alien

But life will call with daffodils and morning glorious blue skies.
You'll think of me - some memory, and softly smile to your surprise.

And even though you love me still, you will know where you belong.

Just give it time
We'll both be fine when I'm gone.

A friend sent this to me today. This person is one of my best friends. She knew me before Wes, stood by me on the day I said "I do", and she was the one who helped try to save his life on that day in September. As you get older you notice that you may not get to spend as much time with people as you want, but those really important people, the one's in it in the long run, are the people who you can go months without seeing and pick up like not a day has gone by. These people are there for you through thick and thin. I am blessed to have several people like this in my life. These people know me well. They know when to hold your hand and when to give you space. They know when to let you cry and when to dry your tears. Without these people I am not quite sure how I would have made it through the past 16 months. Thank you to my friend who sent me this song today. I love you bigger than the sky.

This song really hit home with me. Not only does this lady have a beautiful voice, but it's another one of those songs that I feel was written just for me. I felt as though the words were taken straight from my heart. I know it's been over 16 months, but I feel like it's the first day. Every day there is the same sting of pain, everyday I think of him constantly, everyday I wish it were a dream, and everyday I watch my boy grow up into the young man his daddy dreamed he would be. Everyday I wish he could be here and see Trent evolve. Everyday I wonder how the world continues to move when I feel like I'm standing still. Everyday I go to bed and dread being alone. My bed has been made for 16 months. I can't take the pillows that drove Wes crazy off the bed. I can't pull back those covers and lay down. I don't know if has just become habit, or if it just feels so empty still. I sleep on the end of my bed or sometimes in his chair. It just still feels so new. 

Trent is going to be in middle school shortly, and I am halfway through graduate school. We are continuing to live. I just wish he was here to live with us. I catch myself everyday wanting to email or text him. Wanting to share something funny with him. Then there are those days when before, he would come home, hold me in his arms, and tell me everything would be alright. Now I come home and he's not there to comfort me. I still have this huge hole in my chest. It aches so badly. I hope one day the pain will cease, but I know I will never stop loving him or missing him. The past few weeks have been pretty difficult. I'm not really sure what it is, maybe the loneliness is getting to me, maybe I'm just spreading myself thin. Who knows. I just know that as everyday passes, it still feels like the first. 

 Always loving him,

Stella