This was the first song Wes and I ever danced to together. It became our Christmas song. Every Christmas we danced to it. It didn't matter where, the last time we danced to it together we were in our kitchen. I think that was the best one. It is the second Christmas without him. I think it's harder this year than last. Maybe last year I was still in shock. I see my friends and family who have a spouse or significant other during this holiday season. I miss having him here. I miss having him to share in all the Christmas traditions. I am now Santa by myself, I hide the Elf on the shelf by myself, I shop by myself, all of the behind the scenes things parents do, I do alone. I try and make Christmas great for Trent so he doesn't focus on Wes not being here. I try to hide my tears from everyone. I try not to stare too long at the happy couples. I try to be myself in front of everyone, but on the inside I wish I could just sleep through these coming days. Wes and Trent use to have a shopping day together where they would go buy my gift. For the past 2 years I have had homemade gifts from Trent under the tree. They are the best gifts I have ever received besides him. I thought this year would be easy because last year wasn't too bad, but as the day approaches I can't help but be a little sad. If I could have only one thing, I think I would ask to just talk with him. Even just to hear his voice. I'm not really sure what I expect to get out of this blog. Maybe it's a way for me to get everything out of my head. Hopefully it will help someone who is struggling in their own way. For today and tomorrow, I just want people to appreciate those they are surrounded by. These people that we spend our lives with are precious. Every second with them is a gift. Say an extra "I love you", hold each other a little longer, forget about the presents...the best gifts in our lives are the ones we spend our lives with.
All of this hoopla about the end of the world makes me laugh. People in such a hurry to get things done and accomplished before the Apocalypse. It's all absurd to me. If I have learned anything from the past 15 months it's that you cannot predict the future. Anything can happen to anyone at any time.
Warning: the following statements may offend you, but they are just my feelings/opinions.
One thing people keep saying that I am so tired of hearing is "Everything happens for a reason." Really? So there was a reason for Wes dying? There is a reason for 20 children and 6 adults to die at the hand of another? There is a reason for all of this bad stuff? I have spent hours and hours thinking this one statement over. I have come to the conclusion that things happen because they just happen. There is no rhyme or reason for it, it just is. I do believe there is some divine intervention in somethings, but there is no reason for bad and heart breaking things to happen. It is a way for us to cope. If we can find some reason behind the bad things that happen in our lives, it makes it easier to deal with. It helps keep our faith strong, and it makes us feel invincible. Something bad happens in your life, but hey, it happened for a reason so it's easier to deal with, right? Wrong! Bad things happen because we live in an imperfect world. People die, people get hurt, and bad people do exist. It is a harsh reality, but it's one I have come to terms with. I can sit here all day and try to figure out why I am a 29 year old widow, or why my 10 year old son has to grow up without a dad, but there is no reason. Life begins and life eventually has to end. The time span between those two may be too short for some, but it happens. It just happens, not for a reason. I know to some of you I may sound like a Debbie Downer, but this has really given me some clarity in life. It has given me a reason to stop searching for the why in things, and to accept that it is what it is. It is not what I expected, nor what I wanted, but I cannot control it. I just have to do my best to keep living while I have my time on this earth, and remind my little boy everyday of how much his daddy loved him. When we stop looking for the reason behind things we can see that life is right in front of us. We can accept it or not.
Eighty-Nine Cents in the ash tray
Half empty bottle of Gatorade rolling in the floorboard
That dirty Braves cap on the dash
Dog tags hangin’ from the rear view
Old Skoal can, and cowboy boots and a Go Army Shirt
folded in the back
This thing burns gas like crazy, but that’s alright
People got their ways of coping
Oh, and I’ve got mine
I drive your truck
I roll every window down
And I burn up
Every back road in this town
I find a field, I tear it up
Til all the pain’s a cloud of dust
Yeah, sometimes I drive your truck
I leave that radio playing
That same ole country station where ya left it
Yeah, man I crank it up
And you’d probably punch my arm right now
If you saw this tear rollin’ down my on face
Hey, man I’m tryin’ to be tough
And momma asked me this morning
I I’d been by your grave
But that flag and stone ain’t where I feel you anyway
I drive your truck
I roll every window down
And I burn up
Every back road in this town
I find a field, I tear it up
Til all the pain’s a cloud of dust
Yeah, sometimes I drive your truck
I’ve cussed, I’ve prayed, I’ve said goodbye
Shook my fist and asked God why
These days when I’m missing you this much
I drive your truck
I roll every window down
And I burn up
Every back road in this town
I find a field, I tear it up
Til all the pain’s a cloud of dust
Yeah, sometimes
I drive your truck
I drive your truck
I hope you don’t mind, I hope you don’t mind
I drive your truck
It's holiday time, and people all around me are a blur. People trying to find the perfect gift, others are decorating up a storm, and every one is stuffing their face. I've been trying to stay busy. This time of the year I don't like down time. I try and stay surrounded by family and friends. When Trent is gone and the house is empty I try to go visit friends or have people over. I don't like being alone. It's when I'm alone that it sinks in...he's still not here. Another Christmas will pass without him. He has now been gone the same amount of time we were married. It's still hard to wrap my head around. I miss him constantly, and I am trying to live life. It's hard. No one can explain how hard it is. I certainly can't. I put up a good front most of the time. I laugh, I joke, I tell old stories, and I try to live life. It still hurts so badly inside. No one can see that. I guess I'm a pretty good actress. I try and feel close to him. I feel it slipping away though. I wish I still had his truck so I could ride the backroads he loved so much. I sit in his chair. The only other person I let sit there is Trent. I sleep with his pillow and the shirt he slept in that last night. I spray his cologne every now and then just to remember his smell. I keep his boots out. It will never be the same. Still can't sleep in the bed. I try every now and then, but I only last an hour or so. I feel lost. I feel like a piece of me died too. I am not sure who I am or how to be. The only thing I am certain of is being a parent. I am so lucky to have Trent. He keeps me grounded. He keeps my feet on the ground and keeps me moving forward. The uncertainty of life is starting to wear on me.
Today there was a very sad tragedy. Another school shooting. Children were among the most lost. I guess I am nieve, but I really thought there weren't that many bad people in the world. I am not sure how an individual could do this. How could you purposely change someones life, and the lives of the people who love them? I have to think that these people have never suffered any major loss in their life. They have never felt the pain of losing someone you love. It is a sad day in our nation. I pray for the families of the lost, and the entire community. Such loss and heartache. I hope that people will realize how quickly things can change. One moment you are laughing, and the next you could be staring death in the face. I pray for the children and adults who had to witness this event. It is not something they will ever forget. I know. I saw the fear in my love's eyes as he struggled to breathe. It is an image I will never be able to get out of my head. I pray these children that lost their friends will not be hardened by this.
The holidays can be hard for everyone. It can be hard for the split families, the single parents who struggle, but always put their children before themselves. It's hard for the unemployed and the sick. The list can go on and on, but it can be hard. Remember that. You never know what battle people are fighting that you don't see.
It's been a few weeks since I've posted. Life has been super busy. Between work, my graduate classes, helping my parents, and Trent's activities I barely get a moment to think. But this is life. It never slows down to give us a break. This post is just a little update on my life and the people in it.
Before the Thanksgiving holidays my parents got in a motorcycle wreck. It was Dad's first wreck in 36 years of riding. They were very lucky. I know without a shadow of a doubt that Wes was watching over them. I think the hardest part of the wreck was Dad being next to the room that Wes was in that final morning at St. E. It really didn't click were I was until I walked right past that room. It was a hard night, and they will have a long recovery. They are doing much better now.
This weekend I also had a very close friend lose her father. It was so hard to see her feel that pain. I wished I could take every bit of it away. Any unexpected death of a love one is very hard to deal with. Believe me, I know. I am so impressed with my friend. She is an amazing person, and so very strong. Instead of looking at the situation as time lost with her dad, she is focusing on the blessing of having him live with her for the past several weeks. She immediately saw the blessing of time with her father. I have learned a lot from this person. She has an unshakable faith in God. She never judges me for questioning my beliefs after Wes' death. She has an unconditional love for her family and friends. I am so privileged to have her in my life. Keep my friend in your prayers as she deals with the death of her father.
Christmas time is upon us. The hustle and bustle of shopping and cooking. Last year the only Christmas spirit I had was for Trent. I am putting forth a stronger effort this year. I've done more decorating. I'm watching Christmas shows with Trent. We are even going to a Christmas play. I am not only trying to make Christmas special for my son, but this year I am trying to make it special for me too. I've put myself last in almost everything this past year. I have finally realized that taking care of me means sometimes putting myself first. Trent's needs will always come before my own, but I need to take care of me too. For Christmas, that is what I am giving myself; the permission to think about me every now and then. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season, and you take some time out from shopping to spend with your family and friends. They are the best gifts we will ever receive.
Merry Christmas,
Stella
I am getting into the Christmas spirit, but not yet ready for Christmas music. Here is a cool light show to something other that a Christmas song. VERY cool!!!!
