I'm glad I didn't know- Garth Brooks

"The Dance"

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance 

I often think about how my life would have turned out if things would have been different. What would have happened if I knew I would lose Wes? Would I choose not to be with him to save myself the pain? The answer is always no. I wouldn't change a thing. I would have missed out on so much just to protect myself. The future is scary, mostly because I am not sure what it will hold. I have found myself being very careful at what I allow in my life. I have already lost so much and I am afraid to lose again. Is this anyway for me to live? If I lived like this all along I would have missed out on so much. I would have missed out on love, extended family, and being a mother. So it there really any reason for me to live my life so carefully to avoid pain? No. If I live life this way I will never experience the joys of life again. It is scary, but life means so much more. 

It is hard sometimes to keep on living. To keep moving forward. Sometimes I get so tired, I feel like I am taking care of everyone, but I no longer have someone to help me or take care of me. Yes, I have parents and friends who are here for me, but it is different having a partner in life. I miss having a teammate, someone I can lean on. It's just me now. I am the mom and the dad, the man and the woman of the house. My mind is always on what I need to accomplish and what needs to be taken care of. Too often I leave myself off of that list. I forget about me. It is not until I get run down, and at the end of my rope that I remember I need to take care of me too, but then something always comes up. Someone needs something of me, wants my time, or needs my help. The problem is I don't mind putting others before myself. It's my nature. I have always been this way and I don't really see myself changing. When someone needs help, they don't even have to ask, I just do it. You would think it would be easy for me to reach out for help, nope. I am as stubborn as they come. And truthfully, I can really take care of myself, my house, and my responsibilities. It's just nice having someone there. I miss that. I miss having a companion. 

It has been 29 months since Wes left. I know it is time I pick up my pieces and move forward. I still feel so torn. I know he would want me to be happy, but moving on means letting go. Letting go is scary. I recently started reading a book about a widow in her 30's learning how to move on. I really related to her in the first few chapters. The book took a strange turn after that, but in the beginning she was struggling with being scared to let herself feel again, she was scared of being hurt. One part of the book that really spoke to me was, "You can't stop taking risks just because you lost someone already. It's no way to live, in fear of living in case of pain" (Banks, 2014).

So, am I going to miss out on the pain, or am I going to learn to dance again? Stay Tuned!

Stella

            My reason to dance again!

Oh what a Christmas to have the blues- Charles Brown

So this is my 3rd Christmas without Wes. Time is flying. I am full of mixed emotions. I'm pretty much exhausted at this point. I have one week left of graduate school classes. I am relieved. I intern in the spring and then will graduate with my masters in counseling. It has been very difficult juggling a full time job, single parenthood, graduate school, maintaining relationships with friends and family, and taking care of a house. Somehow I have made it through, I am close to the end, and I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Now, I have had my moments, but I have some amazing people who have let me vent, cry, or just be there. When I feel like a failure, whether it is at a teacher, mother, or friend, they are there to remind me how full my plate is, and my reactions are normal.

I have been doing better at dealing with the loss of Wes. Yes, it still hurts, but I am getting strong enough to deal with it. I find myself now being able to talk to others about loss. I have a very different outlook on it now. I have learned to quit asking "why". There isn't a reason for so much sadness. Letting this question that has haunted me for over 2 years go has made me happier. I have finally quit questioning it, and accepted it. I know he is not coming back, and I know I have to move on. I have to keep moving forward not only for my benefit, but for Trent's. He has to see that when something bad happens you don't give up or give in. I have to show him that when bad things happen you deal with it the best you can and keep moving forward. It is important to teach our children these lessons. They have to know that in the face of tragedy and heartache you keep moving forward. Too many people on this Earth give up when they face the simplest of problems. We have to teach them how to deal with life. This has made me want to thrive in life so Trent can look back and see that anything is possible as long as you don't give up.

Christmas is in a week and this will be the very first year since I have known Trent that he won't be with me on Christmas. I've had a lot of anxiety about this and it really has affected my Christmas spirit. Usually by now I would have all the shopping done and everything wrapped. Well, nothing is wrapped and I still have about half of my shopping left to do. I know the presents are not what Christmas is about, but I am just not my usual Christmas-loving self this year. I know it is because I will wake up alone for the first time on Christmas morning. I am not looking forward to it. I have still been putting on my happy smile so Trent doesn't know, but being without him on Christmas is killing me. It is so lonely without him. Hopefully that part will start to get easier. I look forward to the day when I can be alone without feeling lonely.

Some good news...I have successfully gone to church without getting fighting mad. Every time before this I would get so mad during the sermon, and there were several times I just left during the middle of it. I have only gone to this church a few times, but I look forward to going each time. I feel as though I am being taught and not "preached at". It feels good to not be so angry anymore and to enjoy church again. It feels good to learn again, and to be happy in a place of worship.

The song above was Wes' favorite Christmas song, and it was the first song we ever danced to. I can still hear him singing it (even though his voice was horrible).

Christmas is a time to reflect and love on our friends and family. I hope you all spend as much time with your loved ones this holiday season.

Merry Christmas,
Stella

Sometimes the greater plan is kinda hard to understand- Luke Bryan

"Drink A Beer"

When I got the news today
I didn't know what to say.
So I just hung up the phone.
I took a walk to clear my head,
this is where the walking lead
Can't believe you're really gone
Don't feel like going home

So I'm gonna sit right here
On the edge of this pier
Watch the sunset disappear
And drink a beer

Funny how the good ones go
Too soon, but the good lord knows
The reasons why it gets
Sometimes the greater plan is kinda hard to understand
Right now it don't make sense
I can't make it all make sense

So I'm gonna sit right here
on the edge of this pier
Watch the sunset disappear
And drink a beer

So long my friend, until we meet again
I'll remember you
And all the times we used to
Sit right here on the edge of this pier
Watch the sunset disappear
And drink a beer
Drink a beer, drink a beer. 

Life is so busy, but I'm finally living again. It's now been 2 years since Wes left this place. Two years seems like such a long time, but the memories of our life together and of his final day are still so vivid. I haven't blogged in a while, because I get so emotional when I blog. From the time my fingers hit the computer keys tears start to roll from my eyes. I think I'll always have tears for him. I don't think they will ever go away. It's okay though, because as long as I have tears I will have a piece of him. That means he is still in my heart. My life will move on, but I would like a piece of him to stay. 

Life really has gotten better. I felt stuck for a while. I felt like I was always going to be the sad widow. I don't want that label on my life though. I don't want to be looked at as the widow or even a survivor. I just want to be Stella. I want to be the girl that is clumsy, and the girl that snorts when she laughs. I am finally experiencing true laughter without guilt. I felt guilty for a long time. I felt that I couldn't have fun, because Wes wasn't here. I know now that that was silly of me to think. When I think of Wes I don't want to be sad. I want to smile and laugh about the good times. There have been a few times recently that I felt completely at peace. One was a few weeks ago at the lake. I was laying on the back of a friends boat at night just staring at the sky, and all of the sudden I saw several shooting stars in a row. I knew it was Wes telling me it was okay to start living again. It may seem silly to others, but I felt so much peace in that moment. 

So I have reached a point to where I am okay with my life, where it is going, and how far I have come. I'm ready to live and see what else this crazy world has in store for me. I mean, surely it can only get better, right?

The best is yet to come,

Stella

I just had to put this. I know Wes would be so jealous we met Jax from Sons of Anarchy!!!

Everyone expects me to break- Theory of a Deadman

It sure had been a while since I have been on here. I think it is maybe because I am not sure what to say or how I feel. After Wes died I never knew how much my life would change and continue to change. I feel like I get in a good groove and then things turn upside down again. My main problem lately is where I belong. I got very comfortable as my life as a wife and mom. We did the family thing, and it was what I always wanted. Now everything is different. Friendships have changed, but I think I've been the one changing mostly. Trying to figure out where you fit in the world is very difficult after you lose half your heart. I'm not the married Stella anymore, but I am not quite the same single gal I was before. I find myself trying to force that old part of me, but it doesn't work. I am not the girl I was before, and trying to find this new me is so hard. I am so lost without Wes sometimes. I do good during the day, when my boy is home, and when I'm with family and friends. Then there comes that time in the day when it is time to go home to an empty house. It's harder when my son is gone. I try to distract myself, but in the end I am only pushing everything aside.

My saving grace is my family and a few really good friends. There are 3 of them that keep me sane and my head above water. The best thing about these 3 is they always tell me the truth even when it is not what I want to hear. They tell me when to loosen up, have fun, and they call me out when my perspective gets skewed. Most people don't like to hear the truth, but the truth is what I respect so much from these 3. They laugh with me in the good times, and set me straight in the low ones. It is people like this that have been the glue that holds me together. I will always be grateful for the friendship these 3 people have given me. They have been by my side during the highs and lows of my life, and they have never once left.

They say your teenage years and early 20's is when you discover who you are, but what are you to do when life takes a drastic turn and everything gets turned upside down? How do you pick up the pieces and put back the puzzle when the pieces don't fit anymore? I was so happy with my life before, but I know that that life has been taken away. It is hard when you lose your way, and even harder when your faith is shaken. Before when I would feel that I was losing my way I would just trust that God would help me find my way. I am not sure what I believe anymore. I have a hard time believing that there is this divine plan for my life, and everything will turn out hunky dory. It is hard for me to believe that this person I was taught to believe in would allow such tragedy and heartache. It is a touchy subject I know, but I am just being honest.

So here I am, picking up the pieces to a puzzle that doesn't fit anymore. I am trying to figure out where I fit in, and who I am. I am trying not to be a disappointment to my friends, family, my son, or myself. I am trying to figure our what I believe in. There is a lot of stuff going on in this head of mine.

All mixed up,
Stella

Looking for a little serenity...

Drink one for me, for all the old times- Jason Aldean

"Drink One For Me"

You don't know how bad,
I wish I was home
Can't wait to get back,
But while I'm gone
Y'all carry on

Drink one for me, for all the old times
We tore up that town, raised hell alright
Tell the boys, thanks for having my back
Some of the best memories I've ever had
So go on and get crazy
And drink one for me

I can't count the miles,
It just feels so far
And it could be a while
'Til I'm where you are
So keep me in your heart

Drink one for me, for all the old times
We tore up that town, raised hell alright
Tell the boys, thanks for having my back
Some of the best memories I've ever had
So go on and get crazy
And drink one

For the ones you can't be with
The ones we'll always miss
And times like this
And times like this

Drink one for me, for all the old times
We tore up that town, raised hell alright
Tell the boys, thanks for having my back
Some of the best memories I've ever had
So go on and get crazy
And drink one for me
Drink one for me 

The past few weeks I have spent more time with an old friend. This friend is how I met Wes. I will forever be grateful for the introduction. This friend tells me old stories of Wes, stories I've never heard. This friend recently had a baby. They were telling me how much they looked up to Wes, and his parenting. My friend is right, Wes was a great dad. This weekend I was with my friend when this Jason Aldean song came on. At the time my friend and I were spending time like the good old days, just riding around the deer lease listening to music, and I felt like Wes was singing this song just for us. Wes and I were just friends around the poker table before we started dating. Life was so simple then. I miss the simplicity in friendships. I miss the days when just the company was enough. I miss spur of the moment cookouts. Everything feels so orchestrated now. Life is going by so fast, it's time to slow down. It's time for the laid back part of life to return. I liked when we could play poker all night for a $20 buy in. Now everyone wants to drop a ton at the casino. Back then it wasn't about winning or losing, it wasn't about how much money you walked away with at the end of the night, it was the company. It was the jokes with your friends, the stories from the past, the memories. I miss that time. There are only so many memories that can be made on a dance floor. The abundance of memories and good times happen around a fire, a barbeque pit, around a poker table, on washer boards, or just sitting around the good company of friends and family. 

It's hard to figure out where your place is when you become a widow. You're not part of the married crowd, but you're not necessarily single either. You're in a place many don't understand. Others who have been through widowhood have told me to make new friends, but they don't realize the quality of my old ones. These are people who have helped me become the person I am. They introduced me to the love of my life, stood by me on the day we wed,  helped me bury him on that very hard day, helped me stay sane when I felt like going crazy, and have given me a lifetime of memories. These friends are irreplaceable. I just hope they can stand me as I try to fit back in, and try to get comfortable with me again. I know it's not my friends who have changed, it's me. I have to be okay with me. Sometimes I just don't know who I am anymore. I guess it's just one of the repercussions of a life changing event.

Remembering the little things,

Stella

Much like being wrapped up, baby in your arms- Brandon Rhyder

Through that green field, through yellow flowers
Over that hill, lies a heavenly lake
Her beauty inspires me, it makes me feel calm
Much like being wrapped up, baby in your arms

But everybody knows, that happy ever after
Has valleys of darkness, has snow capped mountains
Everybody knows, there are beaches on shores
That somehow disappear in the eye of the storm
You asked me a question, I gave you an answer
You're all I want and more
And if happy ever after, means fighting some battles
Baby you're worth fighting for

I believe in love songs, and I believe in pain
I believe in sunsets, I believe on rainy days
I believe in your presence, that I am a better man
Then I'd ever be, without you here


But everybody knows, that happy ever after
Has valleys of darkness, has snow capped mountains
Everybody knows, there are beaches on shores
That somehow disappear in the eye of the storm
You asked me a question, I gave you an answer
You're all I want and more
And if happy ever after, means fighting some battles
Baby you're worth fighting for

And if happy ever after, means fighting some battle
Baby you're worth fighting for

This was mine and Wes' song. We danced in our kitchen to it, we danced at our wedding to it, and whenever we would have some problems we would listen to it and remind ourselves that we were worth the fight.

I don't know what it is lately that has me missing Wes so much. I not only miss his presence, but I miss his help. He was my team mate. He picked up my slack, and I his. I miss having that dynamic. I don't have a choice to get sick, or to lay down and cry because I miss him. My world is constantly moving, and will not wait for me to recover. I don't have the luxury of having a partner to be there. And then there are days like today. Days when I feel so beaten down. There is that constant knot in my throat as I try not to cry. I don't like to cry, because most people think that means you are weak. I cry because I'm tired...tired of being strong. Tired of killing myself to keep it all together. My dad told me today that I have a huge plate, and my plate is over flowing. I did not argue with him about that. I feel like I am holding an entire turkey on dollar store paper plates. I miss having Wes there with his two hands to help.

And then there is the part of me that is forgetting things. Wes use to yell "BACON" to me every Saturday and Sunday morning to wake me up, and then he would go back to sleep. It drove me nuts while he thought it was hilarious. Yesterday at the grocery store I was about to pick it up out of the cooler when Trent yelled "BACON." Then he started cracking up. Barely through his laughter he could get out, "That was just like dad." It took me a second, but then I remembered. I joined in the laughter, but it made me sad that I had forgotten about that. The other night at dinner with friends, one of them had cigarettes that were the same blend Wes smoked. I hated the smell of his cigarettes when he was here. He smoked them so fast they almost had a sour smell. But I grabbed the pack from my friend and just opened it up and it was the sweetest smell. It's those little things that drove me crazy that I miss the most. 

We was a great partner. He really cared about me. He took care of me when I was sick. He ran the house when I had a migraine. And when I had a bad day, he wrapped me in his arms. I miss those longs arms around me with my head on his chest. It was such a safe place. I miss that place. Our place. 

Here is a poem by EE Cummings. One of my best friends and I use to be obsessed with it. It is for my heart and his.

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Use the needle of your compass to sew up your broken heart- Rodney Adkins

Well you know those times
When you feel like there's a sign there on your back
Says I don't mind if ya kick me
Seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You'd think they can't get worse than that
And then they do

You step off the straight and narrow
And you don't know where you are
Use the needle of your compass
To sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie
In a bottle of Jim Beam
And she lies to you
That's when you learn the truth

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Well I been deep down in that darkness
I been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different demons
Breathing fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled
I'd fall right into the trap that they were laying, yeah

But the good news
Is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holding out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been dragging for so long
You're on your knees
You might as well be praying
Guess what I'm saying

If your going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there
Yeah, you might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there.

It's been a little while since my last blog. Life is crazy right now. I feel like I don't have time to stop. I guess this is the life of a single parent. Since my last blog my son has turned 11. Time is moving too fast. Time is moving further away from Wes, and making my little boy grow up too quick. I wish I could stop time and savor every moment. It's like I'm caught up in a world wind. I keep thinking "if I can just make it to summer." Summer is right around the corner, but it seems so far away. Sometimes I'm glad I'm busy. It's when I stop that the sadness creeps back in. In a few months it will be 2 years since Wes' death. It still seems so unreal. I am not sure if it will ever seem real. You would think that by now it would have sunk in, but I still have my days when I feel like he's just at work. I would give anything if that were the truth. I wish he would walk through the door at 6:30 and I could hear him griping about work. Those gripes would be the sweetest words. I see all around me people expecting perfection in their relationships. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. There are days you love each other, and days you can't stand each other. There may even be days that you wish you had never been married. That's normal, but it's not a reason to give up. One of my parents always told me it takes 2 to make a marriage work, but only 1 to give up. So if your stuck in a rut just keep going. You will get out of it. It may take longer than you want, but keep fighting. Even if I could only get the bad times back, it would be enough. My heart breaks when I see friends or family go through rough spots in their relationships. I wish I could tell them that I would give anything for a rough spot. Good times or bad...at least their partner is still there. You can hear them yell, you can hear the door slam, but you also get to feel their embrace when the fighting stops. I want Wes back so bad. Even if he only yelled at me, at least I would hear his voice. 

If you are having a rough time in your relationship please take a breath, and remember you are lucky that you still have a relationship you can fight for. So fight for it! Do it for those who don't have an option.

Wishing there was yelling instead of silence,

Stella

 Christmas morning 2008...and yes, I chose this picture because I know Wes is probably yelling at me for using it.