I will be here waiting my dear always and forever -Cory Morrow

One thing you learn to master as a widow is how to fake a smile. It's been a year, I should be over it, right? Wrong, but everyone around me has moved on. Everyone's lives are continuing and I feel like I am at a stand still. I'm still waiting for Wes to come home. I'm waiting to hear that Chevy pull in the drive, and to hear Wes' cough as he walks in the door. I'm waiting to hear him say, "How was your day babe?" I waiting for him to walk in the kitchen and season what I've already seasoned. I'm waiting for him to pull my pillow from under my head when I lay down. I'm waiting to hear him say, "Good morning Stella, wake up." I wish I could wake up. I feel like I've been living a dream this past year. I'm waiting to hear his voice, or one more I love you. I'm waiting to hear him say, "Come here buddy," and see Trent run into the room.
While others go about their daily lives, I am still living mine, but not how I used to. I am numb. I am still full of tears. Wes is constantly in my head. The good times and the bad, the day he asked me to be part of his and Trent's family, the day I walked down the aisle and took his last name, and then there is always that day. The day he left. I wish I could wipe that day from my mind, but it is always there. Somehow I have managed to continue living my life. It's Trent that keeps me going, just knowing that he needs me. I may not always be a good teacher, friend, sister, or even daughter, but everyday I strive to be a good mother. People keep telling me how strong I am, and every time I feel a little embarrassed, because I know the truth. The truth is I'm not strong, I'm just doing what has to be done. It is times like these that we have a choice to make. We can lay down and give up, or we can just continue. I am choosing to just continue. Some days are harder than others, but as long as my heart beats I have to continue. If I chose to lay down and give up I know I would disappoint Wes. I want him to be proud. I want to be able to walk up to him when my days are over, and hear him say, "You did good babe."

Waiting to hear him,
Stella

My Life is Like a Lemon Drop I'm Sucking on the Bitter to Get to the Sweet Spot- Pistol Annies

I love this song. It has been my ringtone for the past year. If you have never listened to Pistol Annies I would suggest try them out. This is another song I would include on my life soundtrack.

Sometimes my life seems bitter. Sometimes I seem bitter. I guess it just comes with the territory. Not a territory I would have chosen to occupy, but it is the one I was given. I have to make the best of it. I try to focus on the positive things in my life. Things like Trent, my friends, and my family. Those low times I feel, I just walk outside and sit on my porch or walk around my yard. I love my house and my yard. It's special, because it was Wes' dream home. Every time we drove by this house he would talk about how much he loved it. He would say that when we won the lottery we would make the owners an offer they couldn't refuse. And now, I own it. It has been my safe haven in this storm of my life. It is the "sweet spot" of my "lemon drop." I feel closer to Wes in this house than I have felt any where else in the past year. He never even lived here, but his presence is all around. They say that home is where your heart is. Well, home is where my Wes is. I feel him the the oaks that surround my house, I feel him in the constant breeze that graces my yard, and I feel him in the creaks of my 60 year old floor. On a hard day I can't wait to get home and feel Wes all around.

"My life is like a lemon drop, I'm sucking on the bitter to get to the sweet spot. I know there'll be better days ahead. Thank God." -Pistol Annies

STILL wishing I was a country star,

Stella

Every Storm Runs Out of Rain- Gary Allen

Just wanted to share this song. Gary Allen is amazing with his lyrics. He also lost his spouse. He really puts in words things I can't. The first time I heard this song I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. Now I want it blaring down the halls as I enter the school. I feel like this is one of my theme songs. I had someone ask me one day, "If your life had a sound track what would it sound like." That is something I hope everyone would think about. You can tell if a movie will be good or not by just listening to the music. Sound tracks tell a story. Sometimes they are scary and filled with screams, and sometimes they are full of sappy love songs. Others have energy pumping music that let you know this movie will be full of action. As you think about the songs that would make up your sound track, dig deep and think to yourself; is my soundtrack worth listening to? If it's not...change the songs.

Wish I was a country star,
Stella

Life Ain't Always Beautiful- Gary Allen

Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles makes you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin' it sweet time

[chorus]
No,life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don't work that way


But the struggles makes me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has its own way of takin' its sweet time

No, life ain't always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey, life ain't always beautiful
But its a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

This was the song we played at Wes' funeral during his slideshow. The night he passed away I couldn't sleep, and neither could my sister-in-law. We sat on the back porch watching the deer and listened to music. There was a peace on the porch that night. When this song came on we both new it was the song. This song not only was a representation of what was going on in our lives, but it was also one of Wes' life. Wes had always struggled with his health, but he never let it discourage him. He was one of the bravest people I knew. We talked about our plans for if he ever got sick again, and he told me he wanted me to keep our lives going, and to provide stability for our son. I knew if he got sick I could handle it. We were never prepared for what really happened, but I still try everyday to follow his wishes.

This past year has really opened my eyes to the world around me. I have experienced a life most people won't. I see things completely different now. I now really understand that no one is promised tomorrow. Don't put things off. If there is something you want to do, just do it. If you have a dream, make it happen. If you love someone, tell them. If you are angry, work it out. Don't put anything off. Live life to the fullest. 

I have chosen this year to really focus on family. I consider family the one I grew up in, the one I married into, and the incredible group of friends who have stuck by my side. I am a pretty lucky person to have such amazing people in my life. People keep telling me how strong I am, but they don't see that it is really my family who makes me strong. They encourage me, and on days I'm too weak they help hold me up. 

I know I face struggles ahead. I know I will have my good days and my bad. I know I will have my family behind me 100%, and I know I have someone pretty special watching over me. I know my life won't always be beautiful, but with these people beside me I know I can continue on my journey. 

Wishing you family and love,

Stella Greer

Turn the Page- Metallica

As you can see, most of the titles for my post will be a song or a part of a lyric. Wes, Trent, and myself love music.

Since I was young my favorite bible verse has been Jeremiah 29:11. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans for hope and a future." Wes bought me a huge sign on our first vacation together that has this verse on it. It still hangs above my bed. He even insisted that the verse be part of our wedding ceremony. My man was thoughtful, and understood what was important to me.

Growing up this verse always ensured me of God's promises for my life. He wants our life to prosper, and he gives us hope and a future. I have read this verse and thought about it hundreds of times. Then I came to a road block when Wes died. How could God have these plans for mine and Trent's life? Where were his promises? Where was this prosperous future he promised? Of course when something like this happens in your life you start to question and second guess everything. Even your relationship with God. I still don't understand why this happened, and I probably never will. I do know that my God is big enough to handle me being upset with him about my life. He is there waiting for me.

Several months ago 2 special ladies at work sent me an email. Their emails were exactly the same. Neither one of them knew the other sent it. I got a double whammy. I guess sometimes God has to knock really loud for us to hear him. It was a daily devotional that had my scripture on it. As I read this devotional I realized that I knew my verse by heart, but what came after? I never continued to read. I never turned the page. I stopped with the 11th verse. So I kept reading the devotional, and there it was. The following verses.

¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.

There it was. In my face. I stopped reading at God's promises to me, but I didn't read my part. God doesn't just give us things because he loves us. We have to actively seek him. I love when he says, "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." He follows by saying, "I will bring you back from captivity." There it is, God is telling us he promises these wonderful things for us, but we have to seek him. Not just pray, but really seek him. Dig down deep to the parts no one likes to face. We have to stand up to our fear, our anger, and any resentment we may have. It is then we get God's promises. 

I still have my days. I have days when I am sad. I have days when I am angry with God. There are days I get angry with the people that care about me, because they want to fix me and bring me back to the christian faith I had before these things happened in my life. I know they mean well, but sometimes I just need to be angry. My relationship will mend as time goes by. When I am in doubt I just look above my bed to the sign my husband bought me. It is his reminder to me that things will fall back into place. Just when you think your story is over...just keep reading.

Until next time,
Stella

This is a cross a dear friend of mine had made. She included my verse. The three crosses in the middle represent Trent, Wes, and myself.

 

Not Finished yet! -Wade Bowen

Well, it has now officially been a year since my husband passed away. I have to say this has been the longest year of my life. There have been many "first" this year, and things we all have to adjust to. I believe myself, Trent, my friends and family have done Wes proud. At first I thought my life was over, but now I know my story will continue. Yes, I still have days that seem like the pain will never go away, but then I see Trent. It is then I know I have a full life ahead of me. He is the best thing Wes ever gave me. I have some amazing friends who I am sure you will hear about eventually. I have also been blessed with the best family any one could ask for. You will definitely hear about them. I have so many things I want to say, and stories about Wes to share. I hope that you continue to read and follow my blog.