Oh what a Christmas to have the blues- Charles Brown

So this is my 3rd Christmas without Wes. Time is flying. I am full of mixed emotions. I'm pretty much exhausted at this point. I have one week left of graduate school classes. I am relieved. I intern in the spring and then will graduate with my masters in counseling. It has been very difficult juggling a full time job, single parenthood, graduate school, maintaining relationships with friends and family, and taking care of a house. Somehow I have made it through, I am close to the end, and I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Now, I have had my moments, but I have some amazing people who have let me vent, cry, or just be there. When I feel like a failure, whether it is at a teacher, mother, or friend, they are there to remind me how full my plate is, and my reactions are normal.

I have been doing better at dealing with the loss of Wes. Yes, it still hurts, but I am getting strong enough to deal with it. I find myself now being able to talk to others about loss. I have a very different outlook on it now. I have learned to quit asking "why". There isn't a reason for so much sadness. Letting this question that has haunted me for over 2 years go has made me happier. I have finally quit questioning it, and accepted it. I know he is not coming back, and I know I have to move on. I have to keep moving forward not only for my benefit, but for Trent's. He has to see that when something bad happens you don't give up or give in. I have to show him that when bad things happen you deal with it the best you can and keep moving forward. It is important to teach our children these lessons. They have to know that in the face of tragedy and heartache you keep moving forward. Too many people on this Earth give up when they face the simplest of problems. We have to teach them how to deal with life. This has made me want to thrive in life so Trent can look back and see that anything is possible as long as you don't give up.

Christmas is in a week and this will be the very first year since I have known Trent that he won't be with me on Christmas. I've had a lot of anxiety about this and it really has affected my Christmas spirit. Usually by now I would have all the shopping done and everything wrapped. Well, nothing is wrapped and I still have about half of my shopping left to do. I know the presents are not what Christmas is about, but I am just not my usual Christmas-loving self this year. I know it is because I will wake up alone for the first time on Christmas morning. I am not looking forward to it. I have still been putting on my happy smile so Trent doesn't know, but being without him on Christmas is killing me. It is so lonely without him. Hopefully that part will start to get easier. I look forward to the day when I can be alone without feeling lonely.

Some good news...I have successfully gone to church without getting fighting mad. Every time before this I would get so mad during the sermon, and there were several times I just left during the middle of it. I have only gone to this church a few times, but I look forward to going each time. I feel as though I am being taught and not "preached at". It feels good to not be so angry anymore and to enjoy church again. It feels good to learn again, and to be happy in a place of worship.

The song above was Wes' favorite Christmas song, and it was the first song we ever danced to. I can still hear him singing it (even though his voice was horrible).

Christmas is a time to reflect and love on our friends and family. I hope you all spend as much time with your loved ones this holiday season.

Merry Christmas,
Stella

Sometimes the greater plan is kinda hard to understand- Luke Bryan

"Drink A Beer"

When I got the news today
I didn't know what to say.
So I just hung up the phone.
I took a walk to clear my head,
this is where the walking lead
Can't believe you're really gone
Don't feel like going home

So I'm gonna sit right here
On the edge of this pier
Watch the sunset disappear
And drink a beer

Funny how the good ones go
Too soon, but the good lord knows
The reasons why it gets
Sometimes the greater plan is kinda hard to understand
Right now it don't make sense
I can't make it all make sense

So I'm gonna sit right here
on the edge of this pier
Watch the sunset disappear
And drink a beer

So long my friend, until we meet again
I'll remember you
And all the times we used to
Sit right here on the edge of this pier
Watch the sunset disappear
And drink a beer
Drink a beer, drink a beer. 

Life is so busy, but I'm finally living again. It's now been 2 years since Wes left this place. Two years seems like such a long time, but the memories of our life together and of his final day are still so vivid. I haven't blogged in a while, because I get so emotional when I blog. From the time my fingers hit the computer keys tears start to roll from my eyes. I think I'll always have tears for him. I don't think they will ever go away. It's okay though, because as long as I have tears I will have a piece of him. That means he is still in my heart. My life will move on, but I would like a piece of him to stay. 

Life really has gotten better. I felt stuck for a while. I felt like I was always going to be the sad widow. I don't want that label on my life though. I don't want to be looked at as the widow or even a survivor. I just want to be Stella. I want to be the girl that is clumsy, and the girl that snorts when she laughs. I am finally experiencing true laughter without guilt. I felt guilty for a long time. I felt that I couldn't have fun, because Wes wasn't here. I know now that that was silly of me to think. When I think of Wes I don't want to be sad. I want to smile and laugh about the good times. There have been a few times recently that I felt completely at peace. One was a few weeks ago at the lake. I was laying on the back of a friends boat at night just staring at the sky, and all of the sudden I saw several shooting stars in a row. I knew it was Wes telling me it was okay to start living again. It may seem silly to others, but I felt so much peace in that moment. 

So I have reached a point to where I am okay with my life, where it is going, and how far I have come. I'm ready to live and see what else this crazy world has in store for me. I mean, surely it can only get better, right?

The best is yet to come,

Stella

I just had to put this. I know Wes would be so jealous we met Jax from Sons of Anarchy!!!

Everyone expects me to break- Theory of a Deadman

It sure had been a while since I have been on here. I think it is maybe because I am not sure what to say or how I feel. After Wes died I never knew how much my life would change and continue to change. I feel like I get in a good groove and then things turn upside down again. My main problem lately is where I belong. I got very comfortable as my life as a wife and mom. We did the family thing, and it was what I always wanted. Now everything is different. Friendships have changed, but I think I've been the one changing mostly. Trying to figure out where you fit in the world is very difficult after you lose half your heart. I'm not the married Stella anymore, but I am not quite the same single gal I was before. I find myself trying to force that old part of me, but it doesn't work. I am not the girl I was before, and trying to find this new me is so hard. I am so lost without Wes sometimes. I do good during the day, when my boy is home, and when I'm with family and friends. Then there comes that time in the day when it is time to go home to an empty house. It's harder when my son is gone. I try to distract myself, but in the end I am only pushing everything aside.

My saving grace is my family and a few really good friends. There are 3 of them that keep me sane and my head above water. The best thing about these 3 is they always tell me the truth even when it is not what I want to hear. They tell me when to loosen up, have fun, and they call me out when my perspective gets skewed. Most people don't like to hear the truth, but the truth is what I respect so much from these 3. They laugh with me in the good times, and set me straight in the low ones. It is people like this that have been the glue that holds me together. I will always be grateful for the friendship these 3 people have given me. They have been by my side during the highs and lows of my life, and they have never once left.

They say your teenage years and early 20's is when you discover who you are, but what are you to do when life takes a drastic turn and everything gets turned upside down? How do you pick up the pieces and put back the puzzle when the pieces don't fit anymore? I was so happy with my life before, but I know that that life has been taken away. It is hard when you lose your way, and even harder when your faith is shaken. Before when I would feel that I was losing my way I would just trust that God would help me find my way. I am not sure what I believe anymore. I have a hard time believing that there is this divine plan for my life, and everything will turn out hunky dory. It is hard for me to believe that this person I was taught to believe in would allow such tragedy and heartache. It is a touchy subject I know, but I am just being honest.

So here I am, picking up the pieces to a puzzle that doesn't fit anymore. I am trying to figure out where I fit in, and who I am. I am trying not to be a disappointment to my friends, family, my son, or myself. I am trying to figure our what I believe in. There is a lot of stuff going on in this head of mine.

All mixed up,
Stella

Looking for a little serenity...

Drink one for me, for all the old times- Jason Aldean

"Drink One For Me"

You don't know how bad,
I wish I was home
Can't wait to get back,
But while I'm gone
Y'all carry on

Drink one for me, for all the old times
We tore up that town, raised hell alright
Tell the boys, thanks for having my back
Some of the best memories I've ever had
So go on and get crazy
And drink one for me

I can't count the miles,
It just feels so far
And it could be a while
'Til I'm where you are
So keep me in your heart

Drink one for me, for all the old times
We tore up that town, raised hell alright
Tell the boys, thanks for having my back
Some of the best memories I've ever had
So go on and get crazy
And drink one

For the ones you can't be with
The ones we'll always miss
And times like this
And times like this

Drink one for me, for all the old times
We tore up that town, raised hell alright
Tell the boys, thanks for having my back
Some of the best memories I've ever had
So go on and get crazy
And drink one for me
Drink one for me 

The past few weeks I have spent more time with an old friend. This friend is how I met Wes. I will forever be grateful for the introduction. This friend tells me old stories of Wes, stories I've never heard. This friend recently had a baby. They were telling me how much they looked up to Wes, and his parenting. My friend is right, Wes was a great dad. This weekend I was with my friend when this Jason Aldean song came on. At the time my friend and I were spending time like the good old days, just riding around the deer lease listening to music, and I felt like Wes was singing this song just for us. Wes and I were just friends around the poker table before we started dating. Life was so simple then. I miss the simplicity in friendships. I miss the days when just the company was enough. I miss spur of the moment cookouts. Everything feels so orchestrated now. Life is going by so fast, it's time to slow down. It's time for the laid back part of life to return. I liked when we could play poker all night for a $20 buy in. Now everyone wants to drop a ton at the casino. Back then it wasn't about winning or losing, it wasn't about how much money you walked away with at the end of the night, it was the company. It was the jokes with your friends, the stories from the past, the memories. I miss that time. There are only so many memories that can be made on a dance floor. The abundance of memories and good times happen around a fire, a barbeque pit, around a poker table, on washer boards, or just sitting around the good company of friends and family. 

It's hard to figure out where your place is when you become a widow. You're not part of the married crowd, but you're not necessarily single either. You're in a place many don't understand. Others who have been through widowhood have told me to make new friends, but they don't realize the quality of my old ones. These are people who have helped me become the person I am. They introduced me to the love of my life, stood by me on the day we wed,  helped me bury him on that very hard day, helped me stay sane when I felt like going crazy, and have given me a lifetime of memories. These friends are irreplaceable. I just hope they can stand me as I try to fit back in, and try to get comfortable with me again. I know it's not my friends who have changed, it's me. I have to be okay with me. Sometimes I just don't know who I am anymore. I guess it's just one of the repercussions of a life changing event.

Remembering the little things,

Stella

Much like being wrapped up, baby in your arms- Brandon Rhyder

Through that green field, through yellow flowers
Over that hill, lies a heavenly lake
Her beauty inspires me, it makes me feel calm
Much like being wrapped up, baby in your arms

But everybody knows, that happy ever after
Has valleys of darkness, has snow capped mountains
Everybody knows, there are beaches on shores
That somehow disappear in the eye of the storm
You asked me a question, I gave you an answer
You're all I want and more
And if happy ever after, means fighting some battles
Baby you're worth fighting for

I believe in love songs, and I believe in pain
I believe in sunsets, I believe on rainy days
I believe in your presence, that I am a better man
Then I'd ever be, without you here


But everybody knows, that happy ever after
Has valleys of darkness, has snow capped mountains
Everybody knows, there are beaches on shores
That somehow disappear in the eye of the storm
You asked me a question, I gave you an answer
You're all I want and more
And if happy ever after, means fighting some battles
Baby you're worth fighting for

And if happy ever after, means fighting some battle
Baby you're worth fighting for

This was mine and Wes' song. We danced in our kitchen to it, we danced at our wedding to it, and whenever we would have some problems we would listen to it and remind ourselves that we were worth the fight.

I don't know what it is lately that has me missing Wes so much. I not only miss his presence, but I miss his help. He was my team mate. He picked up my slack, and I his. I miss having that dynamic. I don't have a choice to get sick, or to lay down and cry because I miss him. My world is constantly moving, and will not wait for me to recover. I don't have the luxury of having a partner to be there. And then there are days like today. Days when I feel so beaten down. There is that constant knot in my throat as I try not to cry. I don't like to cry, because most people think that means you are weak. I cry because I'm tired...tired of being strong. Tired of killing myself to keep it all together. My dad told me today that I have a huge plate, and my plate is over flowing. I did not argue with him about that. I feel like I am holding an entire turkey on dollar store paper plates. I miss having Wes there with his two hands to help.

And then there is the part of me that is forgetting things. Wes use to yell "BACON" to me every Saturday and Sunday morning to wake me up, and then he would go back to sleep. It drove me nuts while he thought it was hilarious. Yesterday at the grocery store I was about to pick it up out of the cooler when Trent yelled "BACON." Then he started cracking up. Barely through his laughter he could get out, "That was just like dad." It took me a second, but then I remembered. I joined in the laughter, but it made me sad that I had forgotten about that. The other night at dinner with friends, one of them had cigarettes that were the same blend Wes smoked. I hated the smell of his cigarettes when he was here. He smoked them so fast they almost had a sour smell. But I grabbed the pack from my friend and just opened it up and it was the sweetest smell. It's those little things that drove me crazy that I miss the most. 

We was a great partner. He really cared about me. He took care of me when I was sick. He ran the house when I had a migraine. And when I had a bad day, he wrapped me in his arms. I miss those longs arms around me with my head on his chest. It was such a safe place. I miss that place. Our place. 

Here is a poem by EE Cummings. One of my best friends and I use to be obsessed with it. It is for my heart and his.

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Use the needle of your compass to sew up your broken heart- Rodney Adkins

Well you know those times
When you feel like there's a sign there on your back
Says I don't mind if ya kick me
Seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You'd think they can't get worse than that
And then they do

You step off the straight and narrow
And you don't know where you are
Use the needle of your compass
To sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie
In a bottle of Jim Beam
And she lies to you
That's when you learn the truth

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Well I been deep down in that darkness
I been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different demons
Breathing fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled
I'd fall right into the trap that they were laying, yeah

But the good news
Is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holding out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been dragging for so long
You're on your knees
You might as well be praying
Guess what I'm saying

If your going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there
Yeah, you might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there.

It's been a little while since my last blog. Life is crazy right now. I feel like I don't have time to stop. I guess this is the life of a single parent. Since my last blog my son has turned 11. Time is moving too fast. Time is moving further away from Wes, and making my little boy grow up too quick. I wish I could stop time and savor every moment. It's like I'm caught up in a world wind. I keep thinking "if I can just make it to summer." Summer is right around the corner, but it seems so far away. Sometimes I'm glad I'm busy. It's when I stop that the sadness creeps back in. In a few months it will be 2 years since Wes' death. It still seems so unreal. I am not sure if it will ever seem real. You would think that by now it would have sunk in, but I still have my days when I feel like he's just at work. I would give anything if that were the truth. I wish he would walk through the door at 6:30 and I could hear him griping about work. Those gripes would be the sweetest words. I see all around me people expecting perfection in their relationships. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. There are days you love each other, and days you can't stand each other. There may even be days that you wish you had never been married. That's normal, but it's not a reason to give up. One of my parents always told me it takes 2 to make a marriage work, but only 1 to give up. So if your stuck in a rut just keep going. You will get out of it. It may take longer than you want, but keep fighting. Even if I could only get the bad times back, it would be enough. My heart breaks when I see friends or family go through rough spots in their relationships. I wish I could tell them that I would give anything for a rough spot. Good times or bad...at least their partner is still there. You can hear them yell, you can hear the door slam, but you also get to feel their embrace when the fighting stops. I want Wes back so bad. Even if he only yelled at me, at least I would hear his voice. 

If you are having a rough time in your relationship please take a breath, and remember you are lucky that you still have a relationship you can fight for. So fight for it! Do it for those who don't have an option.

Wishing there was yelling instead of silence,

Stella

 Christmas morning 2008...and yes, I chose this picture because I know Wes is probably yelling at me for using it.

I even miss our silly fights- Darrlyn Worley

I miss the look of surrender in your eyes
The way your soft brown hair would fall
I miss the power of your kiss when we made love
Oh But baby most of all

[Chorus]
I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss the colors that you brought into my life
Your golden smile, those blue-green eyes
I miss your gentle voice in lonely times like now
Saying it'll be alright

[Chorus]

I miss those times
I miss those nights
I even miss our silly fights
The making up
The morning talks
And those late afternoon walks
I miss my friend

This week has been hard. Sometimes I wish I could let people in my head to see how I am really feeling. It can be so hard to explain things sometimes. Adjusting to a new life is not easy. I am responsible for everything now. All the bills, the housework, the yard work,  parenting, school, work, maintaining relationships with family and friends. I feel like I have been slacking in my friendships and family relationships lately. I miss them. I miss visiting and laughing. Maybe I should have waited to start the master's program. I have been living life in such a rush, I guess I am afraid of running out of time. I wish I could could just stop and be still. Finding balance is so hard. I miss having a partner to help me. I miss having that someone at home that when I am feeling weak, he steps in and picks up my slack. There is no one there to pick up my slack anymore. It's all on me. I feel as though I am moving at ninety to nothing on an empty tank of gas. I am pulled in so many different directions I feel like that stretchy man I played with as a kid. All I can do is make it to my sanctuary...my home. I have always had a house to live in, but this is my home. It's a place where Trent and I can escape. I love my little white house.

ZZZZZZZOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!

Stella

 My Haven

Never knowing what could have been- Aaron Lewis

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do

This is a Rascal Flatts song, but Aaron Lewis just gets to me when he sings it. This song is about regret, wishing, love and hurt. I regret the things I may have not told Wes. How much I love him, how happy he made me, how great of a father he was, and the list could go on and on. I'm pretty sure he knows all these things, but I still wish I could tell him. I regret that night before that when he told me he couldn't breathe we went home. We had just had platter service at Sartin's and we thought he just over ate. I told him, "of course you can't breathe, you just ate the entire Gulf, unbutton your pants." If only I would have known, we could have gone to the hospital and he still could be here. I have shared that with a few people, and each one tells me not to think like that. I can't help it though. Things could have been done to prevent his death. I felt so helpless that morning watching him struggle to breathe. I remember when the EMT started CPR in the driveway, falling to my knees and screaming for God to help him. Maybe that is why I am having such a hard time with my faith. I screamed and begged for him to breathe, for him to live, and he was still taken from us. It's not fair, and I know that no one ever said life was fair, but why did it have to happen to us? I loved Wes so much it hurt, and I waited patiently for so long to find him. He was my other half, and with him in my life everything felt complete. He had been through so much in his life and never gave up, he deserved to live and enjoy his life. Trent deserved to have his daddy around. I know every parent is biased, but I really do have an amazing kid. He is so sweet, genuine, kind hearted, and thoughtful. He did not deserve to loose his daddy. My family loved Wes so much, and sometimes I felt they liked him more than me. They deserved more time to get to know him. Wes' family is so amazing. Such a tight knit group of people. They had been through the hard times with Wes and deserved some happy, peaceful time with him. All the trials and tribulations he lived through, and still his life was cut short. I still question everyday why this happened. I know I will never find an answer that satisfies me, nothing will ever replace Wes.

I often wonder what our lives would be like now if Wes was still here. We would probably still be in Sour Lake. I would probably have a baby or at least be pregnant. We would have probably gotten in a hundred arguments, but heard more "I'm sorry, I love you's". Trent would still have his daddy. Things would probably be a lot different. It's that not knowing that gets to me, the dream of what our family could have been. This was not suppose to happen to us, so what do we do now? I get up every morning, no matter how hard it is. I go to work, try and be a good mom, try and maintain good relationships with family and friends, but I feel like I've been programmed. I try and go on and live, but there is always a part of me hurting, a part of me missing him, a part of me missing. I want to feel whole again. I know it will take time, but I will always be different. My current class I am taking for my masters is Human Growth and Development. The chapters we covered this week was about loss. (I should make some pretty good grades this week.) An interesting thing I read in my text was that when losing a spouse it takes 5 years to get back a little normalcy and happiness, but the level of happiness never reaches what is what before. The graph they showed went up to only half the amount of happiness after widowhood. I really hope that that information is wrong, but I can understand how someone would come up with that info. Loss changes you. It brands you, it leaves its mark. All you can do is to try not to let it define you. If my name were to be defined I would not want my definition to be widow. This is how I want my definition to look.

Stella: (noun) one who flourishes under fire.
  synonyms: mother, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, teacher

Defining my life,
Stella

Taken 9/26/2011...2 days before he left.

Sometimes a song can touch a nerve- John Michael Montgomery

It's weird how the random things can sneak up on you. Sometimes these things cause tears, but sometimes they cause laughter. Sometimes I hear a song and can't change it quickly enough, and then there are those times when Trent says something and it sounds like Wes. This boy is growing up to be just like all the best parts of his daddy. Wes was a prankster and LOVED to scare the mess right out of me. He also loved to stay on my last nerve...it was a place that gave him the greatest joy. I am one of "those" people who like my bed straight and my pillows fluffed when I lay down. I would actually make the bed before I got in it. Wes could care less. As long as he had a place to lay and 2 pillows he was content. Every night was the same routine. He always beat me to bed, I would straighten my side, fluff my pillows, and when I was just about to put my head on my pillow he would punch it right in the center. He LOVED it, and did it every night. Speaking of pillows, he use to have this rubber snake he found in a chicken coop of our first house together. One night I went to fluff and there was that snake, right smack dab in the center of my 2 pillows. Good grief!!! That snake got me several times. One time I went to take a shower, and pulled back the shower curtain and there was that stupid snake again. Staring at me from the drain. You would think I would get use to that rubber snake, but it got me every time. When we moved into our last house we had a pool. That snake was always being found in the pool or hot tub. I finally got use to seeing it in the pool so the last time I thought I saw it was no big deal. Well guess what...it was REAL!!!! Wes laughed until he cried.

He loved to scare me too. He was always bribing me to watch scary movies with him with a date night. Guess what...I never got the date nights. He begged me for months to watch Paranormal Activity with him. I finally gave in. We rented it one night and watched it at home. I was curled up on the couch and had my blanket up to my eyes. I cried the entire movie, and then slept with a lamp on for 2 weeks. Before this movie I always slept with one leg out of the covers to keep me cool. Not now. I sweat when I sleep now because I am afraid a goblin will pull me off the bed. I am a wimp, I know. The best he ever got me was when he made me watch Mirrors with him. It is a movie that when you look in a mirror something shows up with you and kills you. FREAKY!!! Well after the movie I was proud of myself because I didn't cry. I decided I was going to take a shower and head to bed. Wes told me he had to use the restroom first. When he was done I took a nice, hot shower. When I got out of the shower I looked at the steamy mirror and it had written on it "I can see you!" I screamed and ran, almost leaving a hole in the shape of me on the door. I am a very modest person, but I was running through the house soaking wet and without a towel. All the lights in the house were off. I ran to Wes' chair and hid underneath his blanket. I'm sitting there crying and hollering Wes' name when I hear chuckles coming from our kitchen in the back of the house. Apparently when he used the restroom before my shower he also had put deodorant on his finger and wrote the message on the mirror. This was his favorite story to tell. I'll admit, it's funny now, but it wasn't then.

My jokester. I sure do miss him. I miss his laugh. I miss his voice even when he is making fun of me. I miss him punching my pillows. I even miss his snore. Weird thing...Trent started snoring like his daddy last week. I thought I was being robbed. It literally sounded like someone was dragging furniture across the floor. He is also becoming a jokester like his daddy. God bless Trent. He keeps his daddy's memory alive in our house.

Screams and giggles,
Stella

Lord have mercy on my next 30 years- Tim McGraw

"My Next Thirty Years"

I think I’ll take a moment, celebrate my age
The ending of an era and the turning of a page
Now it’s time to focus in on where I go from here
Lord have mercy on my next thirty years

Hey my next thirty years I’m gonna have some fun
Try to forget about all the crazy things I’ve done
Maybe now I’ve conquered all my adolescent fears
And I’ll do it better in my next thirty years

My next thirty years I’m gonna settle all the scores
Cry a little less, laugh a little more
Find a world of happiness without the hate and fear
Figure out just what I’m doing here
In my next thirty years

Oh my next thirty years, I’m gonna watch my weight
Eat a few more salads and not stay up so late
Drink a little lemonade and not so many beers
Maybe I’ll remember my next thirty years

My next thirty years will be the best years of my life
Raise a little family and hang out with my wife
Spend precious moments with the ones that I hold dear
Make up for lost time here, in my next thirty years
In my next thirty years 

Today I enter a new decade. Thirty...good grief. My life is not exactly where I thought it would be, but I am trying to focus on my accomplishments. I feel that I have led a pretty good life so far. I have gone through sadness and tragedy, but I have also had some pretty amazing things happen. I graduated college, started my career, started graduate school, married the love of my life and started our family. I have made life long friendships, bought my first home, and I have flourished under fire. I have learned to live for the moment, and never put anything off. I have learned how to stand up for myself, and learned its okay to be honest even if it hurts sometimes. I have learned the value of life. I was thinking about my 30's this morning. In my 30's I will graduate with my masters, and my son will graduate high school then become an Aggie. My 30's will consist of change, and happiness. This weekend I took myself shopping and I ended up at Tiffany & Co. I started looking at necklaces, and stumbled upon the bean necklace. Yes, I said bean. It looks like a gold pinto. The lady behind the counter said the bean represents new beginning. As soon as she said that I began to shake, and I tried really hard to hold back the tears. Of course the bean had to come home with me. New beginning....that is what my 30's will be. It's time for me to quit dwelling in my sadness. I can't change anything so I need to work on making things better. Better for my son, my family, my friends, and myself. It is what Wes would want. He would probably be kicking my rear if he was here, and yelling at me to "saddle up." He would say, "Babe, its time to start living again." I owe it to myself to quit dwelling. So now that it is here 30 doesn't seem to scary. In the works of Tim McGraw "my next thirty years will be the best years of my life...and Lord have mercy on my next thirty years." So cheers to new beginnings and beans!

Officially old,

Stella

All that matters...

My little bear is growing up- Rodney Atkins

Drivin’ through town just my boy and me
With a Happy Meal in his booster seat
Knowin’ that he couldn’t have the toy ‘til his nuggets were gone.
A green traffic light turned straight to red
I hit my brakes and mumbled under my breath.
His fries went a flyin’, and his orange drink covered his lap
Well, then my four year old said a four letter word
It started with “S” and I was concerned
So I said, “Son, now where’d you learn to talk like that?”

Chorus:
He said, "I’ve been watching you, dad ain’t that cool?
I’m your buckaroo, I wanna be like you.
And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are.
We got cowboy boots and camo pants
Yeah, we’re just alike, hey, ain’t we dad?
I want to do everything you do.
So I’ve been watching you."

We got back home and I went to the barn
I bowed my head and I prayed real hard
Said, “Lord, please help me help my stupid self.”
Just this side of bedtime later that night
Turnin’ on my son’s Scooby-Doo nightlight.
He crawled out of bed and he got down on his knees.
He closed his little eyes, folded his little hands
Spoke to God like he was talkin’ to a friend.
And I said, “Son, now where’d you learn to pray like that?”

Chorus:
He said, "I’ve been watching you, dad ain’t that cool?
I’m your buckaroo, I want to be like you.
And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are.
We like fixin’ things and holding momma’s hand
Yeah, we’re just alike, hey, ain’t we dad?
I want to do everything you do; so I’ve been watching you"

With tears in my eyes I wrapped him in a hug.
Said, “My little bear is growin’ up.”
And he said, “But when I’m big I’ll still know what to do.”

"‘Cause I’ve been watching you, dad ain’t that cool?
I’m your buckaroo, I want to be like you.
And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are.
By then I’ll be strong as superman
We’ll be just alike, hey, won’t we dad
When I can do everything you do.
‘cause I’ve been watchin’ you."
hey yeah
uh huh

After Wes died Trent asked me to download this song for him. For months he walked around the house with his ear buds in listening to the song over and over. I knew it made him feel close to his dad. I would stand in the hall outside his bedroom and listen to him sing it. I love to hear him sing when he thinks no one is listening. He tries to sing very low with a thick southern twang. He sounds so much older when he sings that way. He still sings this song in the shower almost every night. He is growing up into such a gentleman. He always compares things he does to the way his daddy did them. I am not sure if it is his way of feeling close, or his way of remembering. Maybe it's both. I know I am afraid of forgetting things about Wes, and I can't even imagine at such a young age how I would feel. That is why I like talking about Wes. Trent does too. It is our way of keeping his memory alive and not forgetting things. When you stop talking about someone its like they disappear. I don't want Wes to disappear. I want some more time with him. Some time to make my memory stronger, some time to remind my boy how much his daddy loved him, and some time to heal. Not talking about him is like ripping a band-aid off a fresh wound. Sometimes the memories hurt, sometimes they bring tears, but then other times they bring smile and laughter. Whatever the outcome, I treasure every memory.

I'm hoping I can turn this blog into a kind of scrapbook of our memories and journey. I was lucky to be part of Wes' life. I did however, miss out on many years and memories. Feel free to comment on any of my post if you have memories or stories of Wes. I would love to have a place for Trent to go back to and read about his daddy. So when he feels like he is forgetting he can go to a place to remember.

Cherishing the memories,
Stella

My favorite guys

My Valentine- Martina McBride

Today is Valentines. I try to look at it as just another day. Trent surprised me with a gift this morning. He gave me a charm for my bracelet called "everlasting love." He told me it was because we would always love daddy and he would always love us. I'm telling you, words can not describe how much I love this little boy. He is the most sincere and thoughtful person I have ever known. I will miss Wes for the rest of my life, but I will be grateful for all eternity that he brought Trent into my life.

Proud mom,
Stella

Just give it time- Joey + Rory

 

When I'm Gone by Joey + Rory
A bright sunrise will contradict the heavy fog that weighs you down
In spite of all the funeral songs, the birds will make their joyful sounds

You'll wonder why the Earth still moves.
You'll wonder how you'll carry on.

But you'll be okay on that first day when I'm gone

Dusk will come with fireflies and Whippoorwill and crickets call.
And every star will take its place in silvery gown and purple shawl

You'll lie down in our big bed
Dread the dark and dread the dawn.

But you'll be alright on that first night when I'm gone.

You will reach for me in vain, you'll be whispering my name
As if sorrow were your friend and this world so alien

But life will call with daffodils and morning glorious blue skies.
You'll think of me - some memory, and softly smile to your surprise.

And even though you love me still, you will know where you belong.

Just give it time
We'll both be fine when I'm gone.

A friend sent this to me today. This person is one of my best friends. She knew me before Wes, stood by me on the day I said "I do", and she was the one who helped try to save his life on that day in September. As you get older you notice that you may not get to spend as much time with people as you want, but those really important people, the one's in it in the long run, are the people who you can go months without seeing and pick up like not a day has gone by. These people are there for you through thick and thin. I am blessed to have several people like this in my life. These people know me well. They know when to hold your hand and when to give you space. They know when to let you cry and when to dry your tears. Without these people I am not quite sure how I would have made it through the past 16 months. Thank you to my friend who sent me this song today. I love you bigger than the sky.

This song really hit home with me. Not only does this lady have a beautiful voice, but it's another one of those songs that I feel was written just for me. I felt as though the words were taken straight from my heart. I know it's been over 16 months, but I feel like it's the first day. Every day there is the same sting of pain, everyday I think of him constantly, everyday I wish it were a dream, and everyday I watch my boy grow up into the young man his daddy dreamed he would be. Everyday I wish he could be here and see Trent evolve. Everyday I wonder how the world continues to move when I feel like I'm standing still. Everyday I go to bed and dread being alone. My bed has been made for 16 months. I can't take the pillows that drove Wes crazy off the bed. I can't pull back those covers and lay down. I don't know if has just become habit, or if it just feels so empty still. I sleep on the end of my bed or sometimes in his chair. It just still feels so new. 

Trent is going to be in middle school shortly, and I am halfway through graduate school. We are continuing to live. I just wish he was here to live with us. I catch myself everyday wanting to email or text him. Wanting to share something funny with him. Then there are those days when before, he would come home, hold me in his arms, and tell me everything would be alright. Now I come home and he's not there to comfort me. I still have this huge hole in my chest. It aches so badly. I hope one day the pain will cease, but I know I will never stop loving him or missing him. The past few weeks have been pretty difficult. I'm not really sure what it is, maybe the loneliness is getting to me, maybe I'm just spreading myself thin. Who knows. I just know that as everyday passes, it still feels like the first. 

 Always loving him,

Stella

 

Just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl- Pink Floyd

I have never felt more lost in all my life. I finally felt like things were falling into place and everything made sense, then BAM...the rug got ripped out from under me. I have Trent. That part makes sense. Being a mom is the only thing I'm sure of. Everything else I am lost on. I am lost on how to fit into this world now. I am no longer part of the "married" circle, but I don't really fit into the "single" circle either. I'm a widow. You don't see many 29 (and holding) year old widows hanging out on the weekends. Where do I fit in? As 30 is creeping around the corner I realize that my life is nothing like I pictured it would be. I pictured myself married with babies keeping me up all night. I have friends all around me getting married and having babies. I truly and happy of them, but I can't help but be a little jealous. It makes me feel so bad to feel this way. But then again, I'm lost. My spiritual life is a wreck. I'm still not sure what I believe. I know my friends and family are probably getting tired of this lost person I have become. I really have lost sense of who I am. I am living this life in a routine. This routine is all I have. Work, and being a mom are keeping me going. I miss Wes so badly. Every day he is on my mind. Every night I go to sleep wishing he was there. We may have not had the perfect relationship, but I would rather spend the rest of my life fighting with him everyday than to not have him at all. It wouldn't matter if times were good or bad, all that would matter is that he would be there. I am so tired of feeling so lonely. When Trent is gone I spend time with friends and family, but at the end of the day I still go home to an empty house. I love my house, but it's empty when Trent is gone. There are reminders of Wes all around. His boots by the shelf in the living room, his night shirt and hearing aid on his bed stand. His pillows are still on the bed. His brush is by mine in the bathroom drawer. Pictures of him cover our walls and shelves. I still spray his cologne just so I can smell him. Sometimes I still feel like he's just at work and will be home anytime. That is what my niece says. She's only 3, but she still remembers Uncle Wes. She talks about him sometimes and tells us he's just at work. Oh, how I wish that were true. I would love for him to walk through the door tonight and hear him griping about customers at work. I would give anything for him to walk in with muddy shoes so I could clean up his mess. I wish I could hear him snore again, because that would let me know he was laying beside me. I feel so lost without him. It's like he took a piece of me with him. I am forever changed. I will never be the person I was. Part of me will always be missing until I get my heart back.

Missing pieces,
Stella

If you were gone I don't know where I'd be- Thompson Square

"If I Didn't Have You"

Sometimes it feels like, I'm gonna break
Sometimes this world, gives more than I can take
Sometimes, sunshine gets lost in the rain
And it keeps pouring down
It just keeps coming down.
This life would kill me If I didn't have you
I couldn't live without you baby
I wouldn't want to
If you didn't love me so much
I'd never make it through
'Cuz this life would kill me
This life would kill me if I didn't have you.
You are my heart, every breath I breathe
I'm safe in your arms, you rescue me.
When I'm weak, you're strong
If you were gone I don't know where I'd be
You were made for me
(You were made for me)
This life would kill me If I didn't have you
I couldn't live without you baby
I wouldn't want to
If you didn't love me so much
I'd never make it through
'Cuz this life would kill me
This life would kill me if I didn't have you
If you didn't love me so much
(If you didn't love me so much)
This Life would kill me If I didn't have you
(This life would kill me)
Couldn't live without you baby
I wouldn't want to
If you didn't love me so much
I'd never make it through
'Cuz This life would kill me
This Life would kill me if I didn't have you 

I have listened to this song so many times. Sometimes when I listen to it I think of Wes and how much I love him. Then I get to the lyric that says, "This life would kill me if I didn't have you." Well, I no longer have him and I'm still alive. I know I will always have him in my heart. I will always have his presence because of Trent. Sometimes when I hear this song I think of my friends and family that have stuck by my side during this heart ache. I really am a lucky person to have such amazing people in my life. I have 6 amazing parents. Yes, I said 6. My mom and my dad have always been there, and encouraged me along the way. Then I was blessed with 2 amazing step-parents. I am the kind of mom I am, because my step-parents taught me how to love a child as my own no matter what relation. As an adult I have been so lucky to have a mother-in-law, who I call Mom, and a father-in-law that treat me like I've always been part of the family. There are several people out there who don't have 1 parent to lean on and I have 6. Then there are my siblings. Blood, step, or by marriage, it doesn't matter. I love each of them and would do anything for them. They certainly are always there for me. Then I have my friends. Wes and I are so lucky to have such amazing friends. My friends have been there to make me laugh, dry my tears, distract me from my struggles when necessary, encourage me when times get tough, and they are always there to listen. Such amazing friends and family. I honestly don't know where I would be without them. 

      Then there is my boy, Trent. I cannot explain the love I have for him. I know I came into his life when he was five, and I missed out on the baby years, but I feel like he is a piece of me. I never knew you could love another person so much. I loved Wes in a different way, but I can honestly say that I have never loved someone as much as I love my son. He is the reason I get up everyday, the reason I want a good life, the reason I have to find a way to go on without Wes. He is the reason for my everything. He is the kindest and most loving person I have ever known. He is so smart, and determined. He is developing his father's sense of humor, which I love. He is the sunshine in my storm of a life. He is the reason I kept going when Wes left this place. He makes me want to be a better person every day, and always strive to be the best mother I can. He is so sincere and empathetic. One day, he is going to make one lucky lady an amazing husband. I know without a doubt that Wes is proud of his son. I will do everything in my power to provide the life that Wes wanted for Trent. Wes had high hopes and big dreams for Trent. I know my boy will have no problem making those hopes and dreams come true. I always hear people say that you never know what love is until you have a child. They were right. It is an indescribable love. A love that can heal a broken heart, and give hope for a good future.

A proud mom,

Stella

Till my last day- Justin Moore

"Til My Last Day"

People say I'm just a rough boy
I ain't no good for you girl
It's a dead end street, tryin' to love me
Yeah, I'll wreck your world
I can see why they're all talkin'
Lookin' back at my past
I've got a bad name, but a man can change
I'm livin' proof of that

Til my last day, til my last breath
Of everyone that can, I can love you the best
Til my last day, I'll be lovin' you
All the way up, til they lay me down
Six feet under the cold hard ground
Til my last day, I'll be lovin' you

Baby I might meet all my friends
Shoot the bull, have a beer or two
But you know I'll be the first one to leave
In a hurry to get to you
Somewhere deep inside your angel eyes
I found a place to rest,
Don't ever doubt that I'll be around,
And baby don't you ever forget

Til my last day, til my last breath
Of everyone that can, I can love you the best
Til my last day, I'll be lovin' you
All the way up, til they lay me down
Six feet under the cold hard ground
Til my last day, I'll be lovin' you
Darlin' yes I will

Til my last day, til my last breath
Of everyone that can, I can love you the best
Til my last day, I'll be lovin' you
All the way up, til they lay me down
Six feet under the cold hard ground
Til my last day, I'll be lovin' you
Oh babe, til my last day 

 

I just wanted to spend a little time to tell you a bit about my soul mate, my sunshine, the love of my life. First, let's talk about how we met. I was always the girl that was fine being single. You look for so long until you finally give up. I met Wes when I was happy with my life. I wasn't looking for anything or anyone. I had graduated college, had a good job, had my own place, and was content with life. Every Friday night a group of us use to play poker. Wes would come every now and then. So that's how we met...poker night. I was a much better poker player than he was, but he would never admit it. After a few times at Friday night poker, Wes and I became friends. It was my 24th birthday at our friend's house when he asked for my number. We started hanging out more and got to know each other. He told me about his son who I couldn't wait to meet. Wes made me wait though. We dated for over 2 months before I got to meet Trent. Wes later told me he wanted to be sure of our relationship before he introduced us. I immediately fell in love with Trent. It took a little longer for Wes. That summer we all spent a great deal of time together. Hurricane Ike hit that fall, and my house was damaged. It was then Wes asked me to move in. He asked Trent first. Trent said, "Good, she's here all the time anyway." We created our family at our first home in Nome. My 26th birthday rolled around. Wes was acting very weird. He always made my birthday great, but he didn't have anything planned this time. I was frustrated so I invited a few friends over before he came home from work. When Wes came home he asked everyone to leave. I got so nervous. I thought he was about to break up with me. He asked me to stay in the living room while he made dinner. Well, it didn't take long because about 5 minutes later he was walking into the living room with a plate of Buffalo Wild Wings. He handed me my plate and then dropped to one knee. He started telling me how much he loved me, and how much Trent did too. He told me that he couldn't picture their family without me in it. It was then he pulled a small white box out of his pocket. I immediately felt nauseous. Here I was thinking I was about to get kicked out, and now he's proposing. Of course I said yes!!! I always wondered how that moment would go, but Wes knew me very well. Wings and a ring got this girl. The planning began, the wedding came, and our life began. I wish I knew then that our time would be limited so I could pour myself into our relationship. Wes made all my dreams come true.

       A little about my guy. Wes was a tall man. I loved when he hugged me and towered over me. I felt so safe and secure. The best part of Wes was his humor. He made me laugh constantly. In a relationship that was one of my top priorities. I see Trent developing Wes' sense of humor. Even when he made me mad he always seemed to make me laugh. Most of the time it was because he would reach up and turn off his hearing aid so he couldn't hear my nagging. That got me every time. Wes was a very loving man. He loved me the most when I deserved it the least. He loved his family and I saw that from the beginning of our relationship. He was a great father. Trent's needs always came before his own. Wes was always striving to be a better man. He knew when he made mistakes, and always made things right. One of his favorite things to do was to cook. He cooked good too. He made Paula Dean happy. His food was so rich and full of butter. He definitely made it difficult when I tried to diet. He was a MESS in the kitchen though. It got to the point that when he cooked I was not allowed in the kitchen. I would always be in there cleaning, and apparently I was in his way. He would use every pot and pan we had, and every meal had to have some kind of homemade gravy, so flour would be everywhere. When he cooked it drove me crazy, but in the end it was always worth it. Every meal he made had a story behind it. It was something he created, or something he learned from a family member. He always tried to recreate his sisters concoctions, but I never told him that he never quite nailed it. I always told him it was the best I ever had. Besides cooking Wes loved to work on our house. The last home we lived in Wes had all kinds of plans for. Some of them happened and others were just a dream. His pride and joy of the last house was the fire pit he made. He welded the box and mortared in white rock. It was beautiful, and he was so proud. When I moved that was the most important thing...I HAD to bring his fire pit with me. Wes worked hard to provide for our family. He made all of his dreams come true. He had his family, a nice home, and 5 days before he died he got his dream job. He worked so very hard to achieve his dreams. He gave all of himself to give us a good life. Until his last day he sacrificed to provide for others. Wes was a transplant patient. He had 2 kidney and a pancreas transplant. I always knew that our life together wouldn't last for 50 years, but I thought I would have more time with him. The day he passed I was asked if Wes was a donor. As far as I knew he couldn't being a transplant patient. Well, as I found out he could be a donor. He could donate tissues, blood vessels, and bones. Knowing Wes I knew the right decision. His life was saved by others generosity, and I knew he would want to be part of that. I received a letter recently saying that so far Wes' donation has helped over 50 people. I know that he would be proud of that. I could sit here all day and go on and on about him. I'll tell you more later. Wes in a nut shell was kind, loving, funny, a great father and husband, a hard worker, a loyal friend and son, very caring brother, and determined. The people that knew him are grateful they had the chance. I sure am.

Always loving him,

Stella

 

 

How Dare You, I Miss You- Miranda Lambert

 

"Over You"

Weather man said it’s gonna snow
By now I should be used to the cold
Mid-February shouldn’t be so scary
It was only December
I still remember the presents, the tree, you and me

But you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I’ll be OK
But I’m not going to ever get over you

Living alone here in this place
I think of you, and I’m not afraid
Your favorite records make me feel better
Cause you sing along
With every song
I know you didn’t mean to give them to me

But you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I’ll be OK
But I’m not going to ever get over you

It really sinks in, you know, when I see it in stone

Cause you went away,
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I’ll be OK
But I’m not going to ever get over you 

 

All around me people are excited for the new year. "2013...the best year yet." The new year to many represents a new beginning. The bad things that have previously happened are gone and most forgotten, the struggles and hardships have disappeared. Most only hold on to the good memories and the happy times. Most are determined that great things will come this year. Others believe God has a plan for them, and for the most part they trust that plan. What happens when you can't identify with either of those types of people? I am not sure how much I still believe that there is a "plan" for my life. September 28, 2011 blew that out of the water. How losing the love of my life could fit into any "plan" that my loving God has for me I still can't figure out. How do I trust there is a plan and all of this one day will make sense? How do I know that this plan everyone speaks of really exist? I try and remind myself of my favorite scripture. Jeremiah 29:11. It says that God has a plan for us. What exactly does that mean. Is it a plan he has written on his legal pad or in his notebook. Did God stash this plan away in the notes app on his iPad. Or....is the plan for us to just live life. To figure out the best way we know how to live a decent life. Is heartache and sorrow part of this plan? I get so confused when I hear others say "I trust God's plan." Really???? I did too. Now I am unsure. Unsure if there is a plan, a written map, an outline to the story of my life. Or is the plan just life? The good and the bad. I question everything these days. I question what we as humans made up to help ourselves cope with the harsh reality of this world we live in, or do these supernatural plans exist? If they do...I want to see mine. No more surprises. Life has kicked my ass way too many times. I want some proof, some validation. I guess I really just want back my faith. It is a hard thing to keep, and a hard thing to trust.

       Trent has been gone for 12 days visiting with other family. I hate not seeing my boy everyday. When I am in his presence it is easier to have faith in some sort of plan. I see my future when I look in his eyes. Wes made me believe in love, and believe in a happy ever after. Trent makes me see the possibilities life has to offer. He gives me courage to look towards another happy life. He is the reason I want my faith back. 

        I miss Wes so much everyday. I miss him on Christmas eve laughing at the Rasa family Christmas. I miss him on Christmas morning when we watched Trent open his gifts. I miss him throughout Christmas day as we spent time with both of our families. I miss him the day after Christmas when we would stay in our pj's and have family movie day with a fire in the fireplace. I miss him on New Year's eve when I now stand alone at the strike of midnight. I missed him when the Aggies won the Cotton Bowl. (Seems silly, but you just have to understand my Aggie family.) I miss him every second of every day. People say I will one day get over Wes, but they are wrong. I will never get over him, I will never love anyone like I love him, but someday I will be strong enough to live without him.

Learning to live,

Stella