This was the first song Wes and I ever danced to together. It became our Christmas song. Every Christmas we danced to it. It didn't matter where, the last time we danced to it together we were in our kitchen. I think that was the best one. It is the second Christmas without him. I think it's harder this year than last. Maybe last year I was still in shock. I see my friends and family who have a spouse or significant other during this holiday season. I miss having him here. I miss having him to share in all the Christmas traditions. I am now Santa by myself, I hide the Elf on the shelf by myself, I shop by myself, all of the behind the scenes things parents do, I do alone. I try and make Christmas great for Trent so he doesn't focus on Wes not being here. I try to hide my tears from everyone. I try not to stare too long at the happy couples. I try to be myself in front of everyone, but on the inside I wish I could just sleep through these coming days. Wes and Trent use to have a shopping day together where they would go buy my gift. For the past 2 years I have had homemade gifts from Trent under the tree. They are the best gifts I have ever received besides him. I thought this year would be easy because last year wasn't too bad, but as the day approaches I can't help but be a little sad. If I could have only one thing, I think I would ask to just talk with him. Even just to hear his voice. I'm not really sure what I expect to get out of this blog. Maybe it's a way for me to get everything out of my head. Hopefully it will help someone who is struggling in their own way. For today and tomorrow, I just want people to appreciate those they are surrounded by. These people that we spend our lives with are precious. Every second with them is a gift. Say an extra "I love you", hold each other a little longer, forget about the presents...the best gifts in our lives are the ones we spend our lives with.
All of this hoopla about the end of the world makes me laugh. People in such a hurry to get things done and accomplished before the Apocalypse. It's all absurd to me. If I have learned anything from the past 15 months it's that you cannot predict the future. Anything can happen to anyone at any time.
Warning: the following statements may offend you, but they are just my feelings/opinions.
One thing people keep saying that I am so tired of hearing is "Everything happens for a reason." Really? So there was a reason for Wes dying? There is a reason for 20 children and 6 adults to die at the hand of another? There is a reason for all of this bad stuff? I have spent hours and hours thinking this one statement over. I have come to the conclusion that things happen because they just happen. There is no rhyme or reason for it, it just is. I do believe there is some divine intervention in somethings, but there is no reason for bad and heart breaking things to happen. It is a way for us to cope. If we can find some reason behind the bad things that happen in our lives, it makes it easier to deal with. It helps keep our faith strong, and it makes us feel invincible. Something bad happens in your life, but hey, it happened for a reason so it's easier to deal with, right? Wrong! Bad things happen because we live in an imperfect world. People die, people get hurt, and bad people do exist. It is a harsh reality, but it's one I have come to terms with. I can sit here all day and try to figure out why I am a 29 year old widow, or why my 10 year old son has to grow up without a dad, but there is no reason. Life begins and life eventually has to end. The time span between those two may be too short for some, but it happens. It just happens, not for a reason. I know to some of you I may sound like a Debbie Downer, but this has really given me some clarity in life. It has given me a reason to stop searching for the why in things, and to accept that it is what it is. It is not what I expected, nor what I wanted, but I cannot control it. I just have to do my best to keep living while I have my time on this earth, and remind my little boy everyday of how much his daddy loved him. When we stop looking for the reason behind things we can see that life is right in front of us. We can accept it or not.
Eighty-Nine Cents in the ash tray
Half empty bottle of Gatorade rolling in the floorboard
That dirty Braves cap on the dash
Dog tags hangin’ from the rear view
Old Skoal can, and cowboy boots and a Go Army Shirt
folded in the back
This thing burns gas like crazy, but that’s alright
People got their ways of coping
Oh, and I’ve got mine
I drive your truck
I roll every window down
And I burn up
Every back road in this town
I find a field, I tear it up
Til all the pain’s a cloud of dust
Yeah, sometimes I drive your truck
I leave that radio playing
That same ole country station where ya left it
Yeah, man I crank it up
And you’d probably punch my arm right now
If you saw this tear rollin’ down my on face
Hey, man I’m tryin’ to be tough
And momma asked me this morning
I I’d been by your grave
But that flag and stone ain’t where I feel you anyway
I drive your truck
I roll every window down
And I burn up
Every back road in this town
I find a field, I tear it up
Til all the pain’s a cloud of dust
Yeah, sometimes I drive your truck
I’ve cussed, I’ve prayed, I’ve said goodbye
Shook my fist and asked God why
These days when I’m missing you this much
I drive your truck
I roll every window down
And I burn up
Every back road in this town
I find a field, I tear it up
Til all the pain’s a cloud of dust
Yeah, sometimes
I drive your truck
I drive your truck
I hope you don’t mind, I hope you don’t mind
I drive your truck
It's holiday time, and people all around me are a blur. People trying to find the perfect gift, others are decorating up a storm, and every one is stuffing their face. I've been trying to stay busy. This time of the year I don't like down time. I try and stay surrounded by family and friends. When Trent is gone and the house is empty I try to go visit friends or have people over. I don't like being alone. It's when I'm alone that it sinks in...he's still not here. Another Christmas will pass without him. He has now been gone the same amount of time we were married. It's still hard to wrap my head around. I miss him constantly, and I am trying to live life. It's hard. No one can explain how hard it is. I certainly can't. I put up a good front most of the time. I laugh, I joke, I tell old stories, and I try to live life. It still hurts so badly inside. No one can see that. I guess I'm a pretty good actress. I try and feel close to him. I feel it slipping away though. I wish I still had his truck so I could ride the backroads he loved so much. I sit in his chair. The only other person I let sit there is Trent. I sleep with his pillow and the shirt he slept in that last night. I spray his cologne every now and then just to remember his smell. I keep his boots out. It will never be the same. Still can't sleep in the bed. I try every now and then, but I only last an hour or so. I feel lost. I feel like a piece of me died too. I am not sure who I am or how to be. The only thing I am certain of is being a parent. I am so lucky to have Trent. He keeps me grounded. He keeps my feet on the ground and keeps me moving forward. The uncertainty of life is starting to wear on me.
Today there was a very sad tragedy. Another school shooting. Children were among the most lost. I guess I am nieve, but I really thought there weren't that many bad people in the world. I am not sure how an individual could do this. How could you purposely change someones life, and the lives of the people who love them? I have to think that these people have never suffered any major loss in their life. They have never felt the pain of losing someone you love. It is a sad day in our nation. I pray for the families of the lost, and the entire community. Such loss and heartache. I hope that people will realize how quickly things can change. One moment you are laughing, and the next you could be staring death in the face. I pray for the children and adults who had to witness this event. It is not something they will ever forget. I know. I saw the fear in my love's eyes as he struggled to breathe. It is an image I will never be able to get out of my head. I pray these children that lost their friends will not be hardened by this.
The holidays can be hard for everyone. It can be hard for the split families, the single parents who struggle, but always put their children before themselves. It's hard for the unemployed and the sick. The list can go on and on, but it can be hard. Remember that. You never know what battle people are fighting that you don't see.
It's been a few weeks since I've posted. Life has been super busy. Between work, my graduate classes, helping my parents, and Trent's activities I barely get a moment to think. But this is life. It never slows down to give us a break. This post is just a little update on my life and the people in it.
Before the Thanksgiving holidays my parents got in a motorcycle wreck. It was Dad's first wreck in 36 years of riding. They were very lucky. I know without a shadow of a doubt that Wes was watching over them. I think the hardest part of the wreck was Dad being next to the room that Wes was in that final morning at St. E. It really didn't click were I was until I walked right past that room. It was a hard night, and they will have a long recovery. They are doing much better now.
This weekend I also had a very close friend lose her father. It was so hard to see her feel that pain. I wished I could take every bit of it away. Any unexpected death of a love one is very hard to deal with. Believe me, I know. I am so impressed with my friend. She is an amazing person, and so very strong. Instead of looking at the situation as time lost with her dad, she is focusing on the blessing of having him live with her for the past several weeks. She immediately saw the blessing of time with her father. I have learned a lot from this person. She has an unshakable faith in God. She never judges me for questioning my beliefs after Wes' death. She has an unconditional love for her family and friends. I am so privileged to have her in my life. Keep my friend in your prayers as she deals with the death of her father.
Christmas time is upon us. The hustle and bustle of shopping and cooking. Last year the only Christmas spirit I had was for Trent. I am putting forth a stronger effort this year. I've done more decorating. I'm watching Christmas shows with Trent. We are even going to a Christmas play. I am not only trying to make Christmas special for my son, but this year I am trying to make it special for me too. I've put myself last in almost everything this past year. I have finally realized that taking care of me means sometimes putting myself first. Trent's needs will always come before my own, but I need to take care of me too. For Christmas, that is what I am giving myself; the permission to think about me every now and then. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season, and you take some time out from shopping to spend with your family and friends. They are the best gifts we will ever receive.
Merry Christmas,
Stella
I am getting into the Christmas spirit, but not yet ready for Christmas music. Here is a cool light show to something other that a Christmas song. VERY cool!!!!
Amy’s got the letters I wrote
My picture in a frame
She’s had a year to let go
She's still wearing my ring
It hasn’t left her finger since the night that I proposed
When I promised her forever before I took her home
But I never made it home that night
A part of her died too
I watched her losing her mind
And there’s nothing I can do
Yeah sometimes she goes crazy screaming out my name
Saying baby please come and save me
I wish she knew I’d do anything
To kiss the tears right off her face
Tell her everything’s okay
Feel her heart beat next to mine
And make up for lost time
Oh but God I know I can’t
You can’t let her live this way
It’s too late for saving me
But there’s still hope for saving Amy
Now 3 years have gone by
She’s finally living her life
And I still watch her sometimes
Just to make sure she’s alright
She knows I’ll always be there
In her heart and in her dreams
God, I promised her forever and that’s one promise I intend to keep
To kiss the tears right off her face
Tell her everything’s okay
Feel her heartbeat next to mine
Make up for lost time
Oh but god I know I can’t
But you can’t let her live this way
It’s too late for saving me
But there’s still hope for saving Amy
Saving Amy
I’ll kiss the tears right off her face
When I walk her through these gates
Feel her heartbeat next to mine
Make up for lost time
God I thank you everyday
For giving a her that ounce of faith
That led her right back here to me
And most of all for saving Amy
Saving Amy
Thank you god for saving Amy
Okay, today is the first time I have heard this song. A friend of mine told me she thought of me when she heard it. Hearing the song felt like a punch in the stomach, but this song gives me so much hope. I think of Wes constantly. I think of when he was here. I think of his voice. I think of his laugh. I think of the unknown. I think of what Heaven is like. I think about what Wes might be doing. I think about if he is thinking of me. I hope he is thinking of me. When I was a kid I always thought that I couldn't disobey, because God would see. Now I think about Wes just watching me. It feels good to think about him watching me and watching Trent. We had a family dinner tonight, and I always wonder, can he hear our jokes and laughter? That was his favorite part of family dinners. My sister-in-law made dumplings tonight, and I thought about how jealous he would be. It was his favorite thing she made.
Then sometimes I think about when I get to heaven. Will he be there waiting? Some people say that we don't know who others are in heaven. They say we just worship God, and our earthly relationships are no longer. I disagree with this thought. How could God create such strong bonds here on earth and not let them continue in Heaven? If we can't look forward to seeing a person again, how to we cope? I have to believe that the person waiting for me on the other side will be just as happy to see me as I will him. I can't wait to feel the touch of his hand and hear his voice.
When I hear this song I try to imagine Wes' voice singing (it wasn't a good one, but I still loved it), and instead of Amy I hear him singing Stella. I hope he's watching, and I hope he sees how much I love him. He did this once, change lyrics for me. There is a song called "Tell Lori I love Her." Wes emailed me the lyrics one day and put Stella in for Lori. He was a romantic, believe it or not. The week before he proposed he started sending me love notes (or, in our time, love emails). Sometimes they would be a quote he found or even made up. Sometimes it was lyrics to a song. Sometimes he sent me verses about marriage. I kept everyone of them, and now I am so glad I did. It's a piece of him I still have with me. Words from him telling me how much he loved me. He sent me the following email 3 months before he passed away.
From: Greer, Tilmon
Subject: RE: LOVE YOU!!!!
Date: May 23, 2011 7:42:11 AM CDT
To: Greer Stella
If I were alone in the desert Without a drink of water around With my knees and hands in that white scorching sand With the hot Sahara, sun beating down If I could be granted my wishes Anything I want would come true I know that it might sound funny But here what I want you to do
(Chorus) Tell Stella I love her Tell Stella I need her Tell her everything would be ok if I could just see her Tell Stella I love her Tell Stella I need her And If I leave this old world tell her she the only girl for me
If I were a drift on the ocean A vessel with no sails or steam Floating aimlessly on the endless sea Hopelessly lost it would seem If all of the fish in the water Could echo my last dying plea I know you might not understand it But here's what I want it to be
Tell Stella I love her Tell Stella I need her Tell her everything would be ok if I could just see her Tell Stella I love her Tell Stella I need her And if I leave this old world tell her she the only girl for me And if I leave this old world tell her she the only girl for me
I feel as if my eyes have been opened into a whole new world. Things I use to be blind to I now see clearly. Some of these things I wish I still couldn't see. I wish I couldn't see the pain. There is pain in this world I never knew existed. Pain I have felt and have seen my son feel. That is the worst part, watching him hurt. I now understand what my parents felt every time they told me they wish they could take away my hurt. I wish I could take it all from Trent so he didn't have to feel any of this. This little boy is my biggest blessing. I have a hard time understanding and agreeing with people when they say everything happens for a reason. What reason can there be behind all this hurt? I do however know that Wes and Trent were suppose to be in my life. Wes showed me love I never thought existed. He supported me in everything I did, and had more faith in me than I ever had in myself. Trent has taught me what unconditional love is. I cannot put into words what this little boy means to me. I see so much of Wes in Trent. The more he grows up the more of his daddy I see. He catches me off guard sometimes with the things that he says. It's almost as I am listening to Wes. Trent just got his yearbook, and there was a page in the back they could fill out. It asked them about their favorite things, friends, and wishes. Almost everything Trent wrote was about Wes. It broke my heart to read. This little boy misses his daddy so much. I know as time passes it won't be as intense, but we will always miss Wes. We will always feel cheated of time with him. We will always wonder what our lives would have been like with him here. We will always question what could have been. I will always remember that our love, our family was meant to be.
One thing you learn to master as a widow is how to fake a smile. It's been a year, I should be over it, right? Wrong, but everyone around me has moved on. Everyone's lives are continuing and I feel like I am at a stand still. I'm still waiting for Wes to come home. I'm waiting to hear that Chevy pull in the drive, and to hear Wes' cough as he walks in the door. I'm waiting to hear him say, "How was your day babe?" I waiting for him to walk in the kitchen and season what I've already seasoned. I'm waiting for him to pull my pillow from under my head when I lay down. I'm waiting to hear him say, "Good morning Stella, wake up." I wish I could wake up. I feel like I've been living a dream this past year. I'm waiting to hear his voice, or one more I love you. I'm waiting to hear him say, "Come here buddy," and see Trent run into the room.
While others go about their daily lives, I am still living mine, but not how I used to. I am numb. I am still full of tears. Wes is constantly in my head. The good times and the bad, the day he asked me to be part of his and Trent's family, the day I walked down the aisle and took his last name, and then there is always that day. The day he left. I wish I could wipe that day from my mind, but it is always there. Somehow I have managed to continue living my life. It's Trent that keeps me going, just knowing that he needs me. I may not always be a good teacher, friend, sister, or even daughter, but everyday I strive to be a good mother. People keep telling me how strong I am, and every time I feel a little embarrassed, because I know the truth. The truth is I'm not strong, I'm just doing what has to be done. It is times like these that we have a choice to make. We can lay down and give up, or we can just continue. I am choosing to just continue. Some days are harder than others, but as long as my heart beats I have to continue. If I chose to lay down and give up I know I would disappoint Wes. I want him to be proud. I want to be able to walk up to him when my days are over, and hear him say, "You did good babe."
I love this song. It has been my ringtone for the past year. If you have never listened to Pistol Annies I would suggest try them out. This is another song I would include on my life soundtrack.
Sometimes my life seems bitter. Sometimes I seem bitter. I guess it just comes with the territory. Not a territory I would have chosen to occupy, but it is the one I was given. I have to make the best of it. I try to focus on the positive things in my life. Things like Trent, my friends, and my family. Those low times I feel, I just walk outside and sit on my porch or walk around my yard. I love my house and my yard. It's special, because it was Wes' dream home. Every time we drove by this house he would talk about how much he loved it. He would say that when we won the lottery we would make the owners an offer they couldn't refuse. And now, I own it. It has been my safe haven in this storm of my life. It is the "sweet spot" of my "lemon drop." I feel closer to Wes in this house than I have felt any where else in the past year. He never even lived here, but his presence is all around. They say that home is where your heart is. Well, home is where my Wes is. I feel him the the oaks that surround my house, I feel him in the constant breeze that graces my yard, and I feel him in the creaks of my 60 year old floor. On a hard day I can't wait to get home and feel Wes all around.
"My life is like a lemon drop, I'm sucking on the bitter to get to the sweet spot. I know there'll be better days ahead. Thank God." -Pistol Annies
Just wanted to share this song. Gary Allen is amazing with his lyrics. He also lost his spouse. He really puts in words things I can't. The first time I heard this song I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. Now I want it blaring down the halls as I enter the school. I feel like this is one of my theme songs. I had someone ask me one day, "If your life had a sound track what would it sound like." That is something I hope everyone would think about. You can tell if a movie will be good or not by just listening to the music. Sound tracks tell a story. Sometimes they are scary and filled with screams, and sometimes they are full of sappy love songs. Others have energy pumping music that let you know this movie will be full of action. As you think about the songs that would make up your sound track, dig deep and think to yourself; is my soundtrack worth listening to? If it's not...change the songs.
Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart
Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day
But the struggles makes you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin' it sweet time
[chorus]
No,life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles
And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don't work that way
But the struggles makes me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has its own way of takin' its sweet time
No, life ain't always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey, life ain't always beautiful
But its a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride
This was the song we played at Wes' funeral during his slideshow. The night he passed away I couldn't sleep, and neither could my sister-in-law. We sat on the back porch watching the deer and listened to music. There was a peace on the porch that night. When this song came on we both new it was the song. This song not only was a representation of what was going on in our lives, but it was also one of Wes' life. Wes had always struggled with his health, but he never let it discourage him. He was one of the bravest people I knew. We talked about our plans for if he ever got sick again, and he told me he wanted me to keep our lives going, and to provide stability for our son. I knew if he got sick I could handle it. We were never prepared for what really happened, but I still try everyday to follow his wishes.
This past year has really opened my eyes to the world around me. I have experienced a life most people won't. I see things completely different now. I now really understand that no one is promised tomorrow. Don't put things off. If there is something you want to do, just do it. If you have a dream, make it happen. If you love someone, tell them. If you are angry, work it out. Don't put anything off. Live life to the fullest.
I have chosen this year to really focus on family. I consider family the one I grew up in, the one I married into, and the incredible group of friends who have stuck by my side. I am a pretty lucky person to have such amazing people in my life. People keep telling me how strong I am, but they don't see that it is really my family who makes me strong. They encourage me, and on days I'm too weak they help hold me up.
I know I face struggles ahead. I know I will have my good days and my bad. I know I will have my family behind me 100%, and I know I have someone pretty special watching over me. I know my life won't always be beautiful, but with these people beside me I know I can continue on my journey.
As you can see, most of the titles for my post will be a song or a part of a lyric. Wes, Trent, and myself love music.
Since I was young my favorite bible verse has been Jeremiah 29:11. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans for hope and a future." Wes bought me a huge sign on our first vacation together that has this verse on it. It still hangs above my bed. He even insisted that the verse be part of our wedding ceremony. My man was thoughtful, and understood what was important to me.
Growing up this verse always ensured me of God's promises for my life. He wants our life to prosper, and he gives us hope and a future. I have read this verse and thought about it hundreds of times. Then I came to a road block when Wes died. How could God have these plans for mine and Trent's life? Where were his promises? Where was this prosperous future he promised? Of course when something like this happens in your life you start to question and second guess everything. Even your relationship with God. I still don't understand why this happened, and I probably never will. I do know that my God is big enough to handle me being upset with him about my life. He is there waiting for me.
Several months ago 2 special ladies at work sent me an email. Their emails were exactly the same. Neither one of them knew the other sent it. I got a double whammy. I guess sometimes God has to knock really loud for us to hear him. It was a daily devotional that had my scripture on it. As I read this devotional I realized that I knew my verse by heart, but what came after? I never continued to read. I never turned the page. I stopped with the 11th verse. So I kept reading the devotional, and there it was. The following verses.
12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.
There it was. In my face. I stopped reading at God's promises to me, but I didn't read my part. God doesn't just give us things because he loves us. We have to actively seek him. I love when he says, "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." He follows by saying, "I will bring you back from captivity." There it is, God is telling us he promises these wonderful things for us, but we have to seek him. Not just pray, but really seek him. Dig down deep to the parts no one likes to face. We have to stand up to our fear, our anger, and any resentment we may have. It is then we get God's promises.
I still have my days. I have days when I am sad. I have days when I am angry with God. There are days I get angry with the people that care about me, because they want to fix me and bring me back to the christian faith I had before these things happened in my life. I know they mean well, but sometimes I just need to be angry. My relationship will mend as time goes by. When I am in doubt I just look above my bed to the sign my husband bought me. It is his reminder to me that things will fall back into place. Just when you think your story is over...just keep reading.
Until next time, Stella
This is a cross a dear friend of mine had made. She included my verse. The three crosses in the middle represent Trent, Wes, and myself.
Well, it has now officially been a year since my husband passed away. I have to say this has been the longest year of my life. There have been many "first" this year, and things we all have to adjust to. I believe myself, Trent, my friends and family have done Wes proud. At first I thought my life was over, but now I know my story will continue. Yes, I still have days that seem like the pain will never go away, but then I see Trent. It is then I know I have a full life ahead of me. He is the best thing Wes ever gave me. I have some amazing friends who I am sure you will hear about eventually. I have also been blessed with the best family any one could ask for. You will definitely hear about them. I have so many things I want to say, and stories about Wes to share. I hope that you continue to read and follow my blog.
